Best E-mails of the Week 9/09/01
These past two weeks, we look at Old Age emails that were filed in my "Old
Mail":
I just wanted to let you know that I have been
> > diagnosed with AAADD -
> > Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
> > This is how it goes...
> > I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and
> > notice the newspaper
> > on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...
> > BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper.
> > After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll
> > just put the
> > newspaper in the recycle stack....
> > BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see
> > if there are any
> > bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook?
> > Oops.. there's the empty glass from yesterday on
> > the coffee table. I'm
> > going to look for that checkbook...
> > BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I
> > head for the kitchen,
> > look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a
> > drink of water, I put
> > the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the
> > TV on the kitchen
> > counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it
> > away...
> > BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for
> > the door and...Aaaagh!
> > stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll
> > put the remote away
> > and water the plants...
> > BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.
> > END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are
> > still on the floor, glass
> > is still in the sink, bills are not paid,
> > checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote
> > control...And, when I
> > try to figure out how come nothing got
> > done today, I'm baffled because...
> > I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition
> > is serious...I'd get
> > help...
> > BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail
http://www.nonhealth.com/anthem/ A good web site showing the ABC's of aging.
Here's another Old Age passage:
---Subject: Now that you're older!
Chapter 1: Games for When We Are Older
1. Sag, you're it.
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: Signs of Menopause
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is
using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just
saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well,
if it isn't Ozzie Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives
you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
field trip to Chippendales.
Chapter 3: Signs Of Wear
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to
take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to head for the bathroom!
--------------------------------------------------
Dating -Florida Style?
Morris Finkleman
Sadie and Yetta, two elderly single women, are talking:
> Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you
> went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before
>I give him my answer."
> Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like
>a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining.
> And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he
>takes me downstairs, and what's there, but such a beautiful car.....a limousine
> even,uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a
> dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let
>me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure!
> So, then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he
>turns! Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me !"
> Sadie: "Oy! Vey...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
> Yetta: "No... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Chicken Soup For The Alcoholic of all Ages!:
>
> Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass
and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink
this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
> --by Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel
all day.
> --Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they arent' drunk, they're sober.
> --William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
> -- Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
> -- Catherine Zandonella
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
> --Ernest Hemingway
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
> --Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
> --Anonymous
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't have the decency to thank her.
> --W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
> --W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
> --Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
> --Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
> --Tom Waits
24 hours in a day,
24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
> --Stephen Wright
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
> --Benjamin Franklin
> When we drink, we get drunk.
> When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
> When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
> When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
> Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
> -- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football
team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
> --Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
> --Winston Churchill
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
> --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of the world is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was
also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
> --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
> --Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
> --Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
> --Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
> oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
> --Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you
with beer.
> --Homer Simpson
Okay I did just do this email so now I'll get back to my beer.
Pete
Sunday morning 7:30AM
(I wish I could party all night, but I'm just too old)