Best E-mails of the Week 8/26/01

Continuing on last week's theme of men versus women, we start with Oil Change Instructions:
Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $ 1.00 Total $21.00.

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of
taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil
change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of
oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December(1992) .
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to
stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $25.00
Total-- $4150.00
-- But you know the job was done right!

He said She said

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love
to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while
I sit on the sofa and drink."


He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do,

Special diet to reduce Stress

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with
the stress that builds up during the day.

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken with a
cup of spinach
cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss

AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the kisses in the bag,
tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

DINNER
3 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS."


Midlife
Mid-life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives
us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see
your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more
like splat!

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will
too!"

Mid-life is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a
control top flea collar.

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is
the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now
sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your
latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I
have stretch marks?"

Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still
retain is water.

The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course,
the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

Hokey Pokey
There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world.
Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died last week at age 83.
Apparently, it was especially difficult for the family to get him in the
casket.
They'd put his left leg in and ..............well, you know the rest.

VIRUS WARNING

There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort
of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a
colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. Work has been circulating around our building
for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at
"work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases
to function properly. if you do encounter "work" via email or are faced
with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with
the words "Sorry...I'm off to the pub". The "work" should automatically be
deleted from your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form,
simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on
your coat and skip to the nearest pub with two friends and order three
beers. After repeating this action 12 or so times, you will find that
"work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.

Here are some hot air balloon pictures from Mary's sister Sue:

www.babylandon2.homestead.com/oregon.html

Up, up and away!
Pedro