Best E-mails of the Week 8/18/01
Happy Indian Summer!
A fairy tale for the assertive woman:
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch
cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought: I don't really think so
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like.....Blenders. You need one,
but you're not quite sure why. Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all
night long. Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say. Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature. Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy
you, but only for a little while. Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are
like.....Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said
he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked
if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to
10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The
doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the
husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The
husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually
no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
JOB INTERVIEW
John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new Bank Manager. He set up three interviews. The first
guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview,
John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but
notice that you have no ears," came the reply. John did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of
the office. The second interview was with a woman, who had been with the bank a long time. She was even better
than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said, "you have no ears." John again got upset and tossed her out.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA.
He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman that the first two put together. John
was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?",
he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well,it's pretty hard to
wear glasses with no ears!"
In the beginning
An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass
that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot." And Dot
Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she
said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can
trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How,
dear? And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns (and drums in between the towns) to send messages
saying what you have for sale and they will reply, telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made
on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were
an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But
this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of
insider trading.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed
the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in
the land. And, indeed, he did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot said, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. And, as Abraham looked out
over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name that reflects
what we are," and Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!", said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com...and that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
TEN SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A" CHEAP HMO"
10. Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgsicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with
little "M's" on them.
And, the Number One Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO is:
# 1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
For those of you who liked this same fellow shovelling snow last winter,
here he is in Florida.
April 30th:
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful
sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What
a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love
it here.
May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned
car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No
more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about,
still seems hot. Getting used to it
will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to remember not to leave anything made
out of plastic in my car. Got one of
those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh
smelled like.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing
to do. I learned my lesson though: got
to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for
lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000
worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets
in this heat!
July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my foot. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just
to drive by and tell me he needed
to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitos that are as big as B-52's.
$1,500 in darn house payments and we
can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th:
100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about
90. The electric bill is almost as much
as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.
Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off. Damn heat! By
the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot for two #@*& months
and the weatherman says it might really
warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to
shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion.
Doesn't it ever rain in this Godforsaken place??
Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the
Lincoln. The installer came to fix it
and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of
jail.
Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make
it muggier than hell and drove
the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the
Caribbean with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you have to worry
about is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.
More cute kids stories:
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by
the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children,
and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't
sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds
of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running
shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly,"What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet,
as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see
if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool,
the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat,and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into
the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's.May I take your order?"
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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told
her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm
not."
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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No,
you can't play with the boys,they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,"If
I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is
it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children
were sitting down
around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce "I descend
into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge
through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite
overweight took his place... When the new actor announced "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled
the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of lugging on the rope coulc
make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
And so is this email full.
cya bye.
Pete and Repeat