Best E-mails of the Week 8/04/01

Hey Jim B! Thanks for golfing with me at your club this weekend while Mary was in MN visiting her family.
On Wednesday, I played in Ridgefield and broke 100 for the first time ever! Here are 2 decent sort of new golf jokes:

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every
Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golfs
all day long. Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and
the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"


A husband whose wife never played golf reluctantly agreed to play in the
couples "Jack and Jill" (alternate shots) Tourney at the club.
He teed off on the first hole and blistered a drive 300 yards down the
middle. Upon reaching the ball the husband said to his wife "Just hit
it towards the green, anywhere around there will be fine." The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted the husband said , "That's, OK sweetheart" and spent the full 5 minutes looking for the ball, finding it just in time and in an absolutely horrible position. He played the shot of a lifetime to get the ball within 2 feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the putt in. The wife proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure the husband summoned on all his skill and holed the shot from the bunker for a bogey.
He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green put his arm around his wife and calmly said "Honey, that was bogey, that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole." To which the wife replied "Listen buddy! Don't complain to me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"

Important Safety Tip for the Summer
The United States Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on
the alert for bears this summer. The bear population is the highest it's
been in years nationwide.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also
advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
People should be able to recognize the difference between black
bear and grizzly bear droppings:
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.


A blonde (could be a 50 year old balding, greying brunette like myself) was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's
the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of "fine wine" didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."



A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted an unusual
pet. He then bought a centipede, which came in a little white box.
He took the box home and decided he would start off by taking his new
pet to the ice cream store. So he asked him: "Would you like to go to have some ice cream?" No answer. This bothered him a bit, so a few minutes later he again
asked him: "How about going to the ice cream store and having some ice cream
with me? " Again...no answer. He asked him one more time:
"Hey, would you like to go & have ice cream with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes".

Hey Mary! I'm putting on my shoes too. Let's get some ice cream!

Pete Trevino