Best E-mails of the Week 7/21/01

Here's this week's jollies:

MANAGEMENT:
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of
a flagpole. They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to
the flagpole. However, the measurement job turned out to be much more
difficult than any of them had expected, with some of them falling off
the ladders, some dropping their tape measures, and so on, and the
whole thing had just turned into a big disaster.

After a while, an engineer happened to walk by and saw what the
managers were attempting to do. She walked over, pulled the flagpole
out of the ground, and laid it flat on the ground. She measured it
from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers, and then
walked away without saying another word.

After the engineer was out of sight, one manager turned to another and
laughed as he shook his head. "Now that's just like an engineer!
We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"

Here is the new Bush tax form to go with your rebate check:

HMO MANAGER IN HEAVEN

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven.
St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric orthopedic surgeon and helped correct deformities in children."
St. Pete said, "You may enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."
St.Peter said, "You can come in too."
As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can only stay three days. After that, you can go to hell."

WINDOWS 98 BROOKLYN Edition

Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the
WINDOWS 98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, ya may need some help understandin' da
commands. Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen.
It reads: "WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When ya start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music, Ya hear da
teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.
Please also note:
* Recycle Bin is labeled Staten Island.
* My Computer is called My Friggin'Computa.
* The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk.
* Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed
Out".
* Dial up Networking is called "Da Bar.
* Control Panel is known as the "Da Bosses".
* Performin' an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family
business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin'
it down.
* Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour."
* Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe
dis!" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
OK...................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes.................Yeah
No...................Nah
Find................Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a looksee
Back...............U toin
Help................Help ain't available - yous don't need no
stinkin' help
Stop.................Knock it off
Start.................Move it!
Settings..........Here's d' Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION
platform don't recognize da letta "R."
Some programs and udda accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 98:
* Typa................A word processin' program
* Printa...............Printer
* Calculata..........Calculator
* Solitare.............Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of
Da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.

Yous got a problem wit dat?

BILL ("4 eyes") GATES

WHY MEN DON'T MAKE GOOD SECRETARIES

Husband's note to his wife: "Doctor's office called - said your Pabst
beer was normal."



Answer to previous question "Who is Alan Webb?"
Reston Virginia high schooler who broke Jim Ryan's 35 year old mile record of 3:55.3 by running a 3:53.43.

Gotta Run,
Pedro