Best E-mails of the Week 5/20/01


Here they are:

Kids Discuss Christianity
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. The following statements
about the Bible were written by children.
They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has
been left in.)
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with theFinklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus
in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

TRIVIA TIDBIT
How did Amsterdam get its name?
In the late-13th century, the inhabitants built a dam across the Amstel
River to control flooding, thus the city became known as Amstelle-damme.
Over time, the name evolved to Amsterdam.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU LOSE YOUR PURSE OR WALLET:


We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed using
your name, address, SS#, credit, etc. Unfortunately I have firsthand
knowledge, because my wallet was stolen last month and within a
week the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package,
applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more.

But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this
happens to you or someone you know.

As everyone always advises, cancel your credit cards immediately, but
the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so
you know who to call. Keep those where you can find them easily (having to hunt for them is additional stress you WON'T need at that point!). On a
personal note, I remember losing a MC and until I got the toll free number from information, etc. I was a wreck.

File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was
stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first
step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important: I never ever thought to do
this.
Call the three national credit sorting organizations immediately to
place a fraud alert on your name and SS#. I have never heard of doing that
until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit
was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that
checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to
contact you by phone to authorize new credit.

By the time I was advised to do this - almost 2 weeks after the theft all the damage had been done (there are records of all the credit
checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about
before placing the alert). Since then, no additional damage has been done,
and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in).

It seems to have stopped them in their tracks. The numbers are:
Equifax 1-800 525-6285
Experian (formerly TRW) 1-800-301-7195
Trans Union 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration also has a fraud line
at 1-800-269-0271

We pass along jokes, we pass along just about everything....do
think about passing this information along .... it could help someone else.

> This is weird!
>
> You think you're smart? Try this out... Read this
> sentence:
> FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
> SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
> IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
> THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
>
> Now count the F's in that sentence. Count only once,
> don't go back a 2nd time.
>
> Scroll down for answer
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ANSWER:
> There are six F's in the sentence. A person of
> average intelligence finds three of them. If you
> spotted four, you're above average. If you got
> five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.
>
> Before you look at the explanation, feel free to go
> back and count again, there really are six in there.
> Give up?
>
> If you caught six, you are a genius.
>
> There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s.
> The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.
> Pretty weird, huh?
>
> Pass this on to anyone you feel would enjoy it.

Blonde joke (could be brunette or redhead joke)

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
'handywoman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?" "No......I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the "dumb blonde" jokes." A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, its a Lexus."

Jack,
Thanks for letting me drive your Porche with Tom's daughters Emily and my Goddaughter Elyse last week. It sure wasn't painted over!
Pete