Best E-mails of the Week 5/05/01

Just some good reading this week. No dramatic productions.

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Happy Mother's Day!
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Don't forget - Mother's Day is Sunday May 13, 2001. Throughout history,
mothers have been honored all over the world, in many different ways. The
first known Mother's Day celebration dates all the way back to ancient
Greece. Rhea, the "Mother" of the gods, was honored each spring.

* In the 1600s, England celebrated "Mothering Sunday" on the fourth Sunday
of Lent. During this time in history, the poor in England were often
servants for the wealthy. The wealthy usually lived miles away from their
servants. As a result, many servants lived with their employers, far from
family. So "Mothering Sunday" became a day that servants were encouraged
to go home to Mom and spend some quality time with her.

* In 1907, Ana Jarvis from Philadelphia started a campaign to officially
have a national Mother's Day in the United States. Her mother died on the
second Sunday of May. In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson declared the
second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.

Many countries around the world now celebrate Mother's Day.

Here are all the lawyer jokes you ever heard. I picked out these good ones I hadn't heard:

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.""My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"



Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."




As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."


See them all here by clicking on the blue:
The Complete, Definitive, Exhaustive, Conclusive, Crowning List of...Lawyer Jok

http://cartalk.cars.com/About/Lawyers/

Two more:
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. Theold legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang wasvery happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers-we had $100 whenwe broke in!"

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

Real Church Announcements:

If you have a minute and need a laugh...

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in a
church service:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday
at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the
King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the
Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water".
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors
for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare
privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school
days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older
ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other
items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with
the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and
heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M..- prayer and
medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in
the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at
10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is
done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7
PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week
for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

>> > 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
>> >
>> > 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
>> >
>> > 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.
>> > They always catch the second person.
>> >
>> > 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
>> >
>> > 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
>> >
>> > 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
>> >
>> > 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
>> >
>> > 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
>> >
>> > 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
>> >
>> > 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>> >
>> >
>> > GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
>> >
>> > 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
>> >
>> > 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
>> >
>> > 3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
>> >
>> > 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
>> >
>> > 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
>> >
>> > 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
joy.
>> >
>> >
>> > GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
>> >
>> > 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
>> >
>> > 2) Forget the health food.
>> > I need all the preservatives I can get.
>> >
>> > 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you
>> > can do while you're down there.
>> >
>> > 4) You're getting old when you get the same
>> > sensation from a rocking chair
>> > that you once got from a roller coaster.
>> >
>> > 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
>> > but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
>> >
>> > 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
>> >
>> > 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
>> >
>> >
>> > THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
>> >
>> > 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
>> > 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
>> > 3) You are Santa Claus.
>> > 4) You look like Santa Claus.

Okay Okay I am going to mow the lawn!
cya

Pierre Salinger