Best E-mails of the Week 3/24/01


Here they are folks!
Puns:
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low
earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to
much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
firein the craft, it sank proving once
again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because,"he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him
"Juan." Years later, Juan sends
a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to
close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed heir store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



George Carlinisms:
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked ?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become
disoriented?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Mad cow disease:
This is a download that might be zipped.
It requires the program "Word".
When you open it in Word, and see the cows,
use wave sound object on your right click mouse button
and keep your speakers on. (See on future week as a web page)


Wise Words written by Andy Rooney a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy........
I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful
feelings in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help
him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be,everyone needs a
friend to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to
understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I
was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated
and loved.
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that
person continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with
people smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling
their breath on your cheeks.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before
she passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he
may have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his
little fist, that you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness
and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Please download a picture of Gretchen's son Landon born this week!
Congrats to Great Grandma Flo and Great Grandpa Wil, and Grandma Sue and Grandpa Manfred! (See in future week as web site.)

Finally,
The Wall Street Journal replies to my offer to publish my Burr Hamilton Duel article:
Date: 3/22/01 1:55:09 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: edit.features@wsj.com (Features, Edit)
Sender: Marie.Coyle@wsj.com (Coyle, Marie)
To: PeterJTJ@aol.com ('PeterJTJ@aol.com')
If you would like to submit an article for consideration, it must be
exclusive to the Journal. Although we will not be able to use your
submission, we appreciate your interest in The Journal.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Editorial Features Editor
The Wall Street Journal
Does anyone know the Email address for the National Enquirer?
Happy Spring!
Petro Leum