Best E-mails of the Week 3/11/01

Top 4 e-mails to Pete this week:
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The
bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into
the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had
decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there
to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells
with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a
replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped
and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street
below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a
crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they
had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a
bell.
WAIT! WAIT! There's more . . .
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to
approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch
that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor
his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but... he's a dead
ringer for his brother."

Subject: About life.....
> > > > > 4 STAGES OF LIFE
> > > > > 1. You believe in Santa Claus.
> > > > > 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
> > > > > 3. You are Santa Claus.
> > > > > 4. You look like Santa Claus.
> > > > > ========================================
> > > > > ~~FACTS OF LIFE~~
> > > > > 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing JELL-O
> > > > > to a tree.
> > > > >
> > > > > 2) There is always a lot to be thankful for,
> > > > > if you take the time to look. For example,
> > > > > I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that
> > > > > wrinkles don't hurt.
> > > > >
> > > > > 3) The best way to keep kids at home is to
> > > > > make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air
> > > > > out of their tires.
> > > > >
> > > > > 4) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet,
> > > > > with a few nuts.
> > > > >
> > > > > 5) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut
> > > > > that held its ground.
> > > > >
> > > > > 6) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the
> > > > > inside.
> > > > >
> > > > > 7) Middle age is when you choose your cereal
> > > > > for the fiber, not for the toy.
> > > > >
> > > > > 8) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it
> > > > > leaves completely.
> > > > >
> > > > > 9) If you can remain calm, you just don't have
> > > > > all the facts.
> > > > >
> > > > > 10) You know you're getting old when you stoop
> > > > > to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can
> > > > > do while you're down there

What should be the official name for Bill & Hillary Clinton's New York
abode? There were lots of possibilities, according to the creative
audience of The Jayne Carroll Show, a political talk radio program which
airs daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area.

On Friday, September 10th, Carroll asked her audience to come up with
an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New
York. Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in relative
good taste, original, and should capture the essence of one or both of
the Clinton's. The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for
the Clinton's new home included:

Perjurers' Palace
HillBilly Villa
The House of Bill's Repute
Drawers Downs
Cheatem Estates
Sin Simeon

The White Trash House
The Blight House
The Panderosa Liars' Lair
Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast
The Clinton Compost
Dogpatch on the Hudson
The Hen House
The Out House
The Love Shack
The House of Seven Felonies
Motel Sex

But the clear, hands-down winner was... DISGRACELAND


> 1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because
>> > > the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction
>>of the bubbles.
>> > >
>> > > 2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks
>>the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
>> > >
>> > > 3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6
>>feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the
>>flush.
>> > >
>> > > 4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for
>>blood plasma.
>> > >
>> > > 5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.
>> > >
>> > > 6. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
>> > >
>> > > 7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. (Further
>>proof to stay away from asses)
>> > >
>> > > 8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
>> > >
>> > > 9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
>> > >
>> > > 10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age
>>or older.
>> > >
>> > > 11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
>> > >
>> > > 12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
>> > >
>> > > 13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
>> >flight.
>> > >
>> > > 14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive
>>from each salad served in first-class.
>> > >
>> > > 15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
>> > >
>> > > 16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in
>>the USA."
>> > >
>> > > 17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
>> > > morning.
>> > >
>> > > 18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
>> > > varieties of pickles the company once had.
>> > >
>> > > 19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
>> > >
>> > > 20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
>> > >
>> > > 21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
>> > >
>> > > 22. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
>> > >
>> > > 23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on
>>a Pez dispenser.
>> > >
>> > > 24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of
>>the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
>> > >
>> > > 25. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but
>> > > was talked out of it by her doctor.
>> > >
>> > > 26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
>> > >
>> > > 27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being
>> > > seen wearing them in public.
>> > >
>> > > 28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
>> > >
>> > > 29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands
>>in jelly
>> > >
>> > > 30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
>> > >
>> > > 31. Pearls melt in vinegar.
>> > >
>> > > 32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
>>year's supply of footballs.
>> > >
>> > > 33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
>>are already married.
>> > >
>> > > 34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca
>>Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. (Aaaah, America!)
>> > >
>> > > 35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
>> > >
>> > > 36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.
>> > >
>> > > 37. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
>> > >
>> > > 38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
>>when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
>> > > ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
>> > >
>> > > 39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
>> > > contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
>> > >
>> > > 40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton