Best E-mails of the Week 12/22/01


Christmas '00 and Christmas '01

1. Last Christmas we were thinking about all the things we didn't have.
This Christmas we are thinking about all the things we do have.
2. Last Christmas we were placing wreaths on the doors of our homes.
This Christmas we are placing wreaths on the graves of our heros.
3. Last Christmas we were letting our sons play with toy guns.
This Christmas we are teaching them that guns are not toys.
4. Last Christmas we were counting our money.
This Christmas we are counting our blessings.
5. Last Christmas we were lighting candles to decorate.
This Christmas we are lighting candles to commemorate.
6. Last Christmas we paid lip service to the real meaning of the holidays.
This Christmas we are paying homage to it.
7. Last Christmas we were digging deep into our bank accounts to find money to fly home for the holidays.
This Christmas we are digging deep into our souls to find the courage to do so.
8. Last Christmas we were trying not to let annoying relatives get the best of us.
This Christmas we are trying to give the best of ourselves to them.
9. Last Christmas we thought it was enough to celebrate the holidays.
This Christmas we know we must also find ways to consecrate them.
10. Last Christmas we thought a man who could rush down a football field was a hero.
This Christmas we know a man who rushes into a burning building is the real one.
11. Last Christmas we were thinking about the madness of the holidays.
This Christmas we are thinking about the meaning of them.
12. Last Christmas we were getting on one another's nerves.
This Christmas we are getting on our knees.
13. Last Christmas we were giving thanks for gifts from stores.
This Christmas we are giving thanks for gifts from GOD.
14. Last Christmas we were wondering how to give our children all the things that money can buy.
This Christmas we are wondering how to give them all the things money can't (peace, security).
15. Last Christmas we were thinking about all the pressure we were under at the office.
This Christmas we are thinking about all the people who no longer have an office.
16. Last Christmas we were singing carols.
This Christmas we are singing anthems.
17. Last Christmas we were thinking how good it would feel to be affluent.
This Christmas we are thinking how good it feels to be alive.
18. Last Christmas we thought angels were in heaven.
This Christmas we know they are right here on earth.
19. Last Christmas we were contemplating all the changes we wanted to make in the new year.
This Christmas we are contemplating all the changes we will have to make in this new reality.
20. Last Christmas we believed in the power of the pocketbook.
This Christmas we believe in the power of prayer.
21. Last Christmas we were sharing / spreading / listening to gossip.
This Christmas we are sharing /spreading / listening to the Gospel.
22. Last Christmas we were complaining about how much of our earnings went to taxes.
This Christmas we comprehend that freedom isn't free.
23. Last Christmas we valued things that were costly.
This Christmas we value things that are holy.
24. Last Christmas the people we idolized wore sports uniforms.
This Christmas the people we idolize wear police, firefighter and military uniforms.
25. Last Christmas peace on earth was something we prayed for on Sunday morning.
This Christmas it's something we pray for every day.

(Nice, but from the Department of Redundancy Department?)

Martha Stewart's Christmas 'To Do' List
* * * * * * *
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold
Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows ME
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned
seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making
many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as
the clock strikes midnight in that country.

CHRISTMAS JERSEY STYLE
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof,
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight freakin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silky red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot~
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinney, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun,
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda,
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You freakin' moron!"
Den pointin" a fat finga,
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney re rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin',
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Freakin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"


This New Jersey setting is also the home of the world's second funniest Joke as compiled in London this week:

"Two hunters from New Jersey are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator: "My friend is dead. What can I do?" The operator in a calm smoothing voice says "Just take it easy. First let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

The joke voted the world's funniest: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."



Here is a neat site with snow and music.

Click on blue letters to go to The Week Before Christmas: http://www.ishaah.com/Xmasweek.htm


We are pleased that Justin H. had six expert back surgeons operate on him for 12 hours on Tuesday in Florida, and he is doing much better now. In a few months he will recover from that 30' fall.

Pete