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Best E-mails of the Week 12/15/01 |
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says,
"That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some
stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything--meat, toast,
fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon
juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you
a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient, to which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that
there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Holiday Party Memos
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Holiday Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time,
however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make
a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
*******************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees
who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree.
No Christmas carols will be sung. We will have another type of music for
your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
*******************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ~ you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange; no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party ~ the days are so short this time of year ~ or else package
everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men. Each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person
asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing is allowed. We will have
booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on
a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those
people with high blood pressure problems to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
*******************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice ... what do you expect me to do,
a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's
a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or family feuds over
the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we
lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind about
making a special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification
in the mail sent to your home.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^ Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the
%#&^!@ do I care? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change
your address now and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address
will be allowed in my office! Try to come in and change your address. I will
have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!! Vegetarians!?!?!?
I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you
know they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me!!!!!!!!??
The You Know Who from You Know Where!!!!!!!!
*******************
FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and the Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her
at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Happy Holidays!
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