Best E-mails of the Week Dec 4, 2005
Here's the "December" Tree lit up with 800 5-watt bulbs
on our town green.
Electrician John made them up.
Tree expert Tom placed them with his bucket truck.
I helped screw in about 300 bulbs.
How many professional engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw it in, and four to provide design review comments.
Here's the Christmas Tree in Mary and my home:
13'
Once again,
The Washington Post has published the
winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over
how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of
ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an
explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a
condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the
door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored
mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle
that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding
hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an
exam.
12. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms.
13. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular
demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
14. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front
of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Here's the joke the fellow from Indiana told us during
intermission at the Franz Schubert concert in Vienna.
We were sipping champagne on the balcony. We could see the city lit at
night below and around us.
When he learned we were with a church group, he asked if we heard the joke
about the commandments:
God wanted to give people the commandments, so He came down and ended up in
Germany.
He asked the Germans if they would like to receive the commandments.
They wondered what they were and asked God to give them an example of a
commandment.
God said "Well right here: Thou shalt not kill."
The Germans thought about it and said. "No thanks. We don't want them."
So God proceeded to Italy, and asked the Italians if they would like to
receive the commandments.
The Italians asked, "What is an example of a commandment?"
God said "Well, Thou shalt not steal."
The Italians said. "No. We don't want them."
God next proceeded to France, and asked the French if they wanted the
commandments.
What's an example? they asked.
God said "Thou shalt not commit adultery."
Of course the French showed no further interest.
So God went to the Hebrews, and asked in they would take the commandments.
The Hebrews asked: "How much do they cost?"
God replied "Nothing, they are free."
"Okay." said the Hebrews. "In that case, we'll take ten."
Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I
never
looked at it this way before:
MEN
tal illness
MEN
strual cramps
MEN
tal breakdown
MEN
opause
GUYnocologist
AND
When we have REAL trouble, it's
a
HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's
problems
start with
MEN?
Send this to all the women y
ou know to brighten their day
.
Send this to all the men just to
annoy
them
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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese Restaurant and order
the "Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid
slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again
the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams
down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
You're going to love this....................
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Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck
(Another homonym joke. Peking rhymes with peeking :)
But note how clever the Washington Post homonym jokes were.
December 1, 2005
Hooked on the Web: Help Is on the Way
REDMOND, Wash.
THE waiting room for Hilarie Cash's practice has the look and
feel of many a therapist's office, with soothing classical music, paintings of
gentle swans and colorful flowers and on the bookshelves stacks of brochures
on how to get help.
But along with her patients, Dr. Cash, who runs Internet/Computer Addiction
Services here in the city that is home to Microsoft, is a pioneer in a growing
niche in
mental health care and addiction recovery.
The patients, including Mike, 34, are what Dr. Cash and other mental health
professionals call onlineaholics. They even have a diagnosis: Internet
addiction disorder.
These specialists estimate that 6 percent to 10 percent of the
approximately 189 million Internet users in this country have a dependency
that can be as destructive as alcoholism and drug addiction, and they are
rushing to treat it. Yet some in the field remain skeptical that heavy use of
the Internet qualifies as a legitimate addiction, and one academic expert
called it a fad illness. ....
Just doing my part at Best Emails and my other web
sites to keep you all addicted each week.
But I admit I do spend an awful lot of time in front
of this scream I mean screen.
Greg and Raf are loyal Honda/Acura customers.
Here's what a Honda can do.
The robot was displayed at the car show in Helsinki this week.
LEGO CHURCH..........
A few quick facts:
How long to build it?
It was about a year and a half of planning, building and photographing.
How many pieces of LEGO to build it? more than 75,000
How big is it? About 7 feet by 5 1/2 feet by 30 inches (2.2 m x 1.7 m x .76
m)
How many LEGO people does it seat? 1372
How many windows? 3976
It features a balcony, a Narthex, stairs to the balcony, restrooms, coat
rooms, several mosaics a nave, a baptistery, an altar, a crucifix, a pulpit
and an elaborate pipe organ.
Skydiving outtahere,
Pete
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