D a m i t o l
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for
up to 8 hours.

S t. M o m 's W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the
memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves
flirting.

D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously
low I.Q. causing
enjoyment of country western music.

F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.

M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines
as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can
we get naked now?"

B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and
duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so
severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie
Osmond CD or a book
by Dr.Laura.

J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

S e x c e d r i n
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not
now, dear, I have a
headache," syndrome.

R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging
on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and
trouble of doing it herself.

A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving
grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up