Best E-mails of the Week 11/16/03

 
A hungry lion roamed through the jungle.  It came upon two people sitting in  a clearing.  One was reading a book, while the other typed away on a laptop.

The lion immediately pounced on the one with the book and devoured the poor victim, then walked away, sparing the life of the other.    Why?

Because everyone know readers digest while writers cramp.

 

 

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend 
    to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had 
jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was 
decided 
    
    that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday and his wife 
would   follow him the   next day. 
     
    Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There 
he   decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in 
    Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her 
    address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. 
     
    Meanwhile, in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's 
    funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "Called Home
to     Glory" following a heart attack. 
     
    The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and 
    friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to
the    floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on
the   floor and saw the computer screen which read: 
     
    To: My Loving Wife 
    From: Your Departed Husband 
    Subject: I've Arrived! 
     
    I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything
has  been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing 
you   then. 
     
    Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. 
     
    PS--Sure is hot down here!

 

 

 

If I were cynical, I would surmise the following:

 

How fascinating to have an email address that reads:

My Loving Wife

Is it:   My Loving Wife @Yahoo.com?

 

And coincidentally sent from

Your Departed Husband

Was his address Your Departed Husband @ hotmail.com?

 

 

 

 

Warning   This unedited article contains adult themes and slang.

It just barely passes Best Email censure because it's pretty funny .

 

CITY OF NEW YORK - REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME______________________________

GANG NAME________________________

1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?


2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus' $800 per day crack habit?


3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?


4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?


5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, He also got $10,000 for the hit.  If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

**Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??


6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet , how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint?


7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?


8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. if Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one weeks salary?


9) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?


REMEMBER: SAY NO TO DRUGS, GOOD LUCK & NO TALKING
 

 

 

>Subject: A Day at Baltimore Airport

 

>Date: Fri, 7 Nov 2003 12:20:54 EST

 

 

 

>The writer and his wife live in LA and both work for Uncle Sam.

 

>Dear Friends and Family,

 

>I hope that you will spare me a few minutes of your time to tell you about

 

>something that I saw on Monday, October 27.

 

>I had been attending a conference in Annapolis and was coming home on

 

>Sunday.  As you may recall, Los Angeles International Airport was closed on Sunday,

 

>October 26, because of the fires that affected air traffic control. 

 

>Accordingly, my flight, and many others, were canceled and I wound up spending a night

 

>in Baltimore.

 

>My story begins the next day.  When I went to check in at the United counter

 

>Monday morning I saw a lot of soldiers home from Iraq.  Most were very young

 

>and all had on their desert camouflage uniforms.  This was as change from

 

>earlier, when they had to buy civilian clothes in Kuwait to fly home.  It was a

 

>visible reminder that we are in a war.  It probably was pretty close to what

 

>train terminals were like in World War II.

 

Many people were stopping the troops to talk to them, asking them questions

 

>in the Starbucks line or just saying "Welcome Home."   In addition to all the

 

>flights that had been canceled on Sunday, the weather was terrible in Baltimore

 

>and the flights were backed up.  So, there were a lot of unhappy people in

 

>the terminal trying to get home, but nobody that I saw gave the soldiers a bad

 

>time.

 

By the afternoon, one plane to Denver had been delayed several hours. United

 

>personnel kept asking for volunteers to give up their seats and take another

 

>flight.  They weren't getting many takers.  Finally, a United spokeswoman got

 

>on the PA and said this, "Folks.  As you can see, there are a lot of soldiers

 

>in the waiting area.  They only have 14 days of leave and we're trying to get

 

>them where they need to go without spending any more time in an airport then

 

>they have to.  We sold them all tickets, knowing we would oversell the flight. 

 

>If we can, we want to get them all on this flight.  We want all the soldiers

 

>to know that we respect what you're doing, we are here for you and we love

 

>you."

 

At that, the entire terminal of cranky, tired, travel-weary people, a

 

>cross-section of America, broke into sustained and heartfelt applause. The soldiers

 

>looked surprised and very modest.  Most of them just looked at their boots. 

 

>Many of us were wiping away tears. 

 

And, yes, people lined up to take the later flight and all the soldiers went

 

>to Denver on that flight.

 

That little moment made me proud to be an American, and also told me why we

 

>will win this war.

 

If you want to send my little story on to your friends and family, feel

 

>free.  This is not some urban legend.  I was there, I was part of it, I saw it

 

>happen.

 

Will Ross, Administrative Judge, United States Department of Defense

 

 

 

Gee I thought in this country, the soldiers sacrificed their seats so the skiers could get to Vail in time for evening cocktails. 

 

 

 

 

Here is a unique Operations Chart from the NY Times

for April, June, August and October

showing conditions slowly improving in Iraq.

 

                HIGHWAY 109
>

>
> > > > > > >A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
> > > > > > >They said had run the light
> > > > > > >That caused the six-car pileup
> > > > > > >On 109 that night.
>
>
> > > > > > >When broken bodies lay about
> > > > > > >And blood was everywhere,
> > > > > > >The sirens screamed out elegies,
> > > > > > >For death was in the air.
>

> > > > > > >A mother, trapped inside her car,
> > > > > > >Was heard above the noise;
> > > > > > >Her plaintive plea near split the air:
> > > > > > >"Oh, God, please spare my boys!"
>

> > > > > > >She fought to loose her pinned hands;
> > > > > > >She struggled to get free,
> > > > > > >But mangled metal held her fast
> > > > > > >In grim captivity.
>

> > > > > > >Her frightened eyes then focused
> > > > > > >On where the back seat once had been,
> > > > > > >But all she saw was broken glass and
> > > > > > >Two children's seats crushed in.
>

> > > > > > >Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
> > > > > > >She did not hear them cry,
> > > > > > >And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
> > > > > > >"Oh, God, don't let them die!"
>

> > > > > > >Then firemen came and cut her loose,
> > > > > > >But when they searched the back,
> > > > > > >They found therein no little boys,
> > > > > > >But the seat belts were intact.
>

> > > > > > >They thought the woman had gone mad
> > > > > > >And was traveling alone,
> > > > > > >But when they turned to question her,
> > > > > > >They discovered she was gone.
>

> > > > > > >Policemen saw her running wild
> > > > > > >And screaming above the noise
> > > > > > >In beseeching supplication,
> > > > > > >"Please help me find my boys!
>

> > > > > > >They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
> > > > > > >Their jeans are blue to match."
> > > > > > >One cop spoke up, "They're in my car,
> > > > > > >And they don't have a scratch.
>

> > > > > > >They said their daddy put them there
> > > > > > >And gave them each a cone,
> > > > > > >Then told them both to wait for Mom
> > > > > > >To come and take them home.
>

> > > > > > >I've searched the area high and low,
> > > > > > >But I can't find their dad.
> > > > > > >He must have fled the scene,
> > > > > > >I guess, and that is very bad."
>

> > > > > > >The mother hugged the twins and said,
> > > > > > >While wiping at a tear,
> > > > > > >"He could not flee the scene, you see,
> > > > > > >For he's been dead a year."
>

> > > > > > >The cop just looked confused and asked,
> > > > > > >"Now, how can that be true?"
> > > > > > >The boys said, "Mommy, Daddy came
> > > > > > >And left a kiss for you.
>

> > > > > > >He told us not to worry
> > > > > > >And that you would be all right,
> > > > > > >And then he put us in this car with
> > > > > > >The pretty, flashing light.
>

> > > > > > >We wanted him to stay with us,
> > > > > > >Because we miss him so,
> > > > > > >But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
> > > > > > >And said he had to go.
>

> > > > > > >He said someday we'd understand
> > > > > > >And told us not to fuss,
> > > > > > >And he said to tell you, Mommy,
> > > > > > >He's watching over us."
>

> > > > > > >The mother knew without a doubt
> > > > > > >That what they spoke was true,
> > > > > > >For she recalled their dad's last words,
> > > > > > >"I will watch over you."
>

> > > > > > >The firemen's notes could not explain
> > > > > > >The twisted, mangled car,
> > > > > > >And how the three of them escaped
> > > > > > >Without a single scar.
>

> > > > > > >But on the cop's report was scribed,
> > > > > > >In print so very fine,
> > > > > > >An angel walked the beat tonight
> > > > > > >On Highway 109.
>

 

 

 

Here is a photo finish of my sister Joanne's son Bob's race Saturday in Philadelphia.

The winning boat was American University who beat Loyola (the bottom boat) by .02 seconds.

 
Bob is second from the front of the Loyola boat, sitting up the straightest in his green hat.

 

 

 

 

DON'T EVER DIAL AREA CODE 809



MAJOR SCAM:

Don't respond to Emails, phone calls, or web pages which tell you to call  an "809" area Phone  Number.

This is a very important issue of Scam  Busters because it alerts you to a scam that is spreading  *extremely* quickly, can easily cost you $2400 or more, and is difficult to avoid unless you are aware of it.

We'd  like to thank Verizon for bringing this scam to our attention.

This scam has also been identified by the National Fraud Information Center and is costing victims a lots of money.

There are lots of different permutations of this scam.


HERE'S HOW IT WORKS:

You will receive a message on your answering machine or your pager, which asks you to call a number beginning with area code 809. The reason you're asked to call varies.   It can be to receive information about a family member who has been ill, to tell you someone has-been arrested, died, to let you know you have won a wonderful prize, etc.   In each case, you are told to call the 809 number right away.   Since there are so many new area codes these days, people unknowingly return these calls.

If you call from the US, you will apparently be charged $2425 per-minute.
Or, you'll get a long recorded message.  The point is, they will try to keep you on the phone as long as possible to increase the charges. Unfortunately, when you get your phone bill, you'll often be charged more than $24,100.00.

WHY IT WORKS:
The 809 area code is located in the British Virgin Islands (The Bahamas).
The 809 area code can be used as a "pay-per-call" number, similar to 900 numbers in the US.   Since 809 is not in the US, it is not covered by U.S. regulations of 900 numbers, which require that you be notified and warned of  charges and rates involved when you call a pay-per-call" number.

There is also no requirement that the company provide a time period during which you may terminate the call without being charged. Further, whereas many U.S. homes that have 900 number blocking to avoid these kinds of charges, do not work in preventing calls to the 809 area code.

We recommend that no matter how you get the message, if you are asked to call a number with an 809 area code that you don't recognize, just disregard the message.


Be wary of e-mail, or calls, asking you to call an 809 area code number.  It's important to prevent  becoming a victim of this scam, since trying to fight the charges afterwards can become a real nightmare. That's because you did actually make the call.   If you complain, both your local phone company and your long distance carrier will not want to get involved and will most likely tell you that they are simply providing the billing for the foreign company. You'll end  up dealing with a foreign company that argues they have done nothing wrong.

 

 

Master and Commander is great. If you like 200 year old ships and the men who braved them, and if you like the scenery from the Galapagos Islands, this film is a must see.  You have to listen carefully to hear the old British humor.

 

Here is mid November from our new front door with a view of my favorite museum: the center building.

Here is our friend and attorney Peter with his nephew Tommy

giving us an important present for near our front door. 

It is a granite stagecoach stepping stone.

If guests arrive by coach to visit us, they can step onto our stone first.

Or if they arrive by my Expedition, they no longer need a ladder to get out.  

Thank you again Peter and Eileen.

Mary and I hope you enjoy the 6 foot long rock we gave you in return for your rock garden.

It is from Ted and Ursula's driveway in 1988, the namesake subdivision project of our Development Corp.

While the gigantic Link Belt excavator was removing it, a branch in its bucket hit my head.

I saw my blood dripping on the ground and fell unconscious.

In the hospital with my fractured skull, the doctor told me the swelling was my brain coming through.

I still have that scar, and now Peter has my memento, while we have the wonderful stagecoach stone.

Here it is in place:

 

 

 

 

 

Editing another weekly edition that is totally hotness,

Pete  

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