Best E-mails of the Week Oct. 30, 2005 

 

Emily stars at the center of attention in her purple gown in "An Ideal Husband" by Oscar Wilde.  Her character was Lady Chiltern.

 

 

 

 

 

This made me laugh...

-------- Forwarded Message --------


 

 
  Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women
 
  Are From Venus," offered by an English professor from
 
  the University of Phoenix:
 
 
 
  The professor told his class one day: "Today we will
 
  experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
 
  The process is simple. Each person will pair off with
 
  the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As
 
  homework tonight, one of you will write the first
 
  paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your
 
  partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.
 
  The partner will read the first paragraph and then add
 
  another paragraph to the story and send it back, also
 
  sending another copy to me. The first person will then
 
  add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
 
 
 
  Remember to re-read what has been written each time in
 
  order to keep the story coherent. There is to be
 
  absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and
 
  anything you wish to say must be written in the
 
  e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion
 
  has been reached."
 
 
 
  The following was actually turned in by two of his
 
  English students: Rebecca and Gary
 
 
 
  THE STORY:
 
 
 
  (first paragraph by Rebecca)
 
  At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she
 
  wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite
 
  for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much
 
  of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
 
  liked chamomile. And she felt she must now, at all
 
  costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was
 
  suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
 
  asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out
 
  of the question.
 
 
 
  (second paragraph by Gary)
 
  Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the
 
  attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more
 
  important things to think about than the neuroses of
 
  an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom
 
  he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.
 
  Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
 
  transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.
 
  No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
 
  sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere
 
  and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
 
  jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his
 
  seat and across the cockpit.
 
 
 
  (Rebecca)
 
  He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but
 
  not before he felt one last pang of regret for
 
  psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had
 
  feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
 
  pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
 
  Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing
 
  War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
 
  one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
 
  bored her.  She stared out the window, dreaming of her
 
  youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and
 
  carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to
 
  distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
 
  the beautiful things around her.  "Why must one lose
 
  one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
 
  wistfully.
 
 
 
  (Gary)
 
  Little did she know that she had less than 10 seconds
 
  to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the
 
  Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its
 
  lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
 
  peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
 
  Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth
 
  a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
 
  were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
 
  hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian
 
  ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
 
  firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
 
  to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
 
  plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
 
  atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
 
  mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
 
  the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
 
  explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85
 
  million other Americans. The President slammed his
 
  fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!
 
  I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of
 
  the sky!"
 
 
 
  (Rebecca)
 
  This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
 
  literature.  My writing partner is a violent,
 
  chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
 
 
 
  (Gary)
 
  Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
 
  whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent
 
  of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I
 
  have some other sort of ----ING TEA? Oh no, I'm such
 
  an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
 
  novels!"
 
 
 
  (Rebecca)
 
  A______
 
 
 
  (Gary)
 
  B_____
 
 
 
  (Rebecca)
 
  ____YOU -- YOU NEANDERTHAL!
 
 
 
  (Gary)
 
  Go drink some tea - w___.
 
 
 
  (TEACHER)
 
  A+ - I really liked this one
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tiger Woods' new boat

 

 

 

 

Early Thanksgiving card:

Click here: Just one of thousands of eCards and animations from AmericanGreetings.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 Pete

Back to the Best E-mails Home Page