Best E

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in
making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make
it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of
one of their biggest buildings. Jack put in a bid, and because his price
was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the
sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all
over the church and knocking Jack clear off the scaffold to land on the
lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the
thinned and useless paint.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)

Blonde painter
>
>   A blonde was hired to paint the yellow stripes on
> a highway.   The first day, she painted ten miles of road. The
> second day, she only painted five. Her boss, seeing how
> she was getting slower, decided to give her a day off,
> thinking that she needed a rest.
>
>   When she came back the next day, she only painted
>   0.5 miles of road.
>
>   Her now discouraged boss came up to her and said,
> "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less
> each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
>
>   "Simple," the blonde answered. "I've been getting
> farther away from the paint can!"

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a
bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600
dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll
contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to
my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to
hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes
that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a
few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word,
comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

FOURTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Berry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
Because on the boat over here they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.

You know you're Italian when . . .

1.You are 5' 4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, and still
cry when your mother yells at you.

2.You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two
cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular paper lunch
bag.

3.Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer
are all your cousins.

4.For breakfast, you dunk a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk.

5.You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have two kitchens (one
in the basement).

6.You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five
of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

7.A high school diploma and one year of community college has earned you
the title of "professor" among your aunts.

8.You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

9.You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

10.If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother
had an affair.

11.There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

12.You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:

Your grandfather had a fig tree.
You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
Wear a gold chain, cross, and horn.
You have a stupid nickname.
Your mom's meatballs are the best.
Favorite movies: Godfather/Goodfellas/Bronx Tale/The
Last Don/Moonstruck/Scarface
You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
Plastic on the furniture is normal.
You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
You've called someone a "mamaluke."
You own a pinky ring.
And you understand "bada bing"

For those of you trying to decipher the current condition of the stock market: