Best E-mails of the Week    8/18/02

We've all known people that were able to "work the system" to their own advantage.  Here's a story that's just plain cute.

An old man(His name was not Wil)  lived alone in Minnesota.  (Where we are heading for a visit next month) He wanted to spade his potato Garden, but it was very hard work.  His  son, who would have helped him, was in prison. (Not my brother in law) The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.  I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were here, all my troubles would be over.  I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram,

"FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden!  That's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M.  the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply:  

"Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you at this time."

Here is an interesting ranking of the states

Minnesota captured first place by scoring highest overall in categories measuring access to health care, disability, http//www.insure.com/AOL?PFH?Frame.cfm?URL=/health/healthystates1001.htmldisease, mortality, and occupational safety. It has been in the top three states for all 12 years of the study. In 2001, Minnesota placed first in three measures, with the highest support for public health care, lowest incidence of heart disease, and lowest rate of premature deaths.

WHAT GENDER ARE THEY?
>
>ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
>right through them.
>
>SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
>variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
>
>KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
>
>SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
>
>COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
>
>TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
>
>HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light
>a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
>
>SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
>
>WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
>
>SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
>
>HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
>
>HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
>5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
>
>REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it
>gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
>know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

What gender is this? It is the most exciting orchid discovery in the last 100 years. Where was it found?

In the beginning,

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all
kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and
Jerry's and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, "You want
chocolate with that?"  And Man said "Yea." and woman
said, "And another one with sprinkles." And they gained
10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might
keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went
from size 2 to size 6.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic
toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their
belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables
and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went
through the roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children
might loose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so
Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And man and woman laughed and cried before the
flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat
and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.
And man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer
calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em."
And Satan said "It is good."

And man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs



ACTUAL WRITINGS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS BY DOCTORS:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side forover a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities



Smiling is infectious,

You catch it like the flu.

When someone smiled at me today,
 

 
I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner,

and someone saw my grin.
 

When he smiled I realized,
I'd passed it to him.
I thought about that smile,

then I realized its worth.
 

 
A single smile just like mine,
could travel the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin,
don't leave it undetected.
 

  Let's start an epidemic quick,

and get the world infected!

OK Here's a joke:

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that
she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as
Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill
on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this
happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!  How could
you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all
your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says,
"Who is this?"

Dr. Pete

PS Here is a site called Therapy 101: Enjoy.  Click here: rightnow