To: The Lord God Almighty a.k.a. Ha'shem, Shadai, Elohim, etc.
From: The Jews: a.k.a. The Chosen people
Subject: Termination of Contract/Special Status (Chosen People)
As you are aware, the contract made between you and Abraham is up for
renewal, and this memorandum is to advise
you that after, yea, those many millennia of consideration, we, the Jews
(The Chosen People) have decided that we really
do not wish to renew.
We should point out immediately that there is nothing in writing, and,
contrary to popular beliefs, we (The Jews) have not
really benefited too much from this arrangement. If you go back to the
early years of our arrangement, it definitely started
off on the wrong footing.
Not only was Israel and Judea invaded almost every year, but we went to
enormous expense to erect not one but two
Temples, and they were both destroyed. All we have left is a pile of old
stones called the Western Wall (of course you
know all this, but we feel it's a good thing to account for all the
reasons we wish to terminate the contract).
After the Hittites, Assyrians, Goliaths, etc, not only were we beaten up
almost daily, but then we were sold off as slaves
to Egypt of all countries, and really lost a few hundred years of
development.
Now we realize that you went to a great deal of trouble to send Moses to
lead us out of Egypt, and those poor Egyptian
buggers were smitten (smote?) with all those plagues, But, reflecting on
those years, we are at a loss to understand why it
took almost forty years to make a trip that El Al now does in 75
minutes. Also, while not appearing to be ungrateful, for
years a lot of people have asked why Moses led us left instead of right
at Sinai? If we had gone right, we would have had
the oil!
OK, so the oil was not part of the deal, but then the Romans came and we
really were up to our necks in dreck. While
it's true that the Romans did give us water fit to drink, aqueducts, and
baths, it was very disconcerting to walk down one
of the vias, look up, and see one of your friends or family nailed to a
three-by-four looking for all the world like a sign
post.
Even one of our princes, Judah ben Hur got caught up with Roman stuff
and drove like a crazy man around the
Coliseum. It's a funny thing but many people swore that Ben Hur had an
uncanny resemblance to Moses...go figure.
Then, of all things, one of our rabbis (teachers) declared himself "Son
of You" (there was nothing said about this with
Abe) and before we knew what was what, a whole new religion sprang up.
To add insult to injury, we were dispersed all over the world two or
three times while this new religion really caught on!
We were truly sorry to hear that the Romans executed him like so many
others, but, ... alas, (and this will make you
laugh,) once again WE were blamed.
Now here's something we really don't understand. That rabbi, one of ours
and your own son, really came into his own.
Millions of people revered and worshipped his name and scriptures.
.....and still killed us by the millions. Claimed we
drank the blood of new born infants, and controlled the world banks (Oy!
if only that were so.)
We could have bought them all off, and operated the worlds' media and so
on and so on. Are we beginning to make our
point here? OK so let's fast-forward a few hundred years to the
Crusades. Hoo boy! Again we were caught in the
middle! They, the Lords and Knights, came from all over Europe to smack
the Arabs and open up the holy places, but
before we knew what hit us, they were killing us right, left, and centre
along with everyone else.
Every time a king or a pope was down in the opinion polls, they called a
crusade or holy war, and went on a killing
rampage in our land. Today it's called Jihad. OK, so you tested us a
little there, but then some bright cleric in Spain came
up with the Inquisition. We all thought it was a new game show, but once
again we and, we must admit, quite a few
others were used as firewood for a whole new street lighting arrangement
in major Spanish cities.
All right, so that ended after about a hundred years or so...in the
great scheme of things not a long time. But every time
we settled down in one country or another..they kicked us out! So we
wandered around a few hundred years or so, but
it never changed.
Finally we settled in a few countries but they insisted we all live in
ghettoes...no Westchesters of Moscow for us. There
we are in the ghettoes, when what do you know? The Russians come up with
the Pogroms. We all thought they made a
spelling mistake and misspelled programs, but we were dead wrong (no pun
intended). Apparently, when there was
nothing else for them to do, killing the Jews (a.k.a. The Chosen People,
are you getting our drift?) was the in thing.
Now comes some really tough noogies. We were doing quite well, thank
you, in a small European country called
Germany, when some house painter wrote a book, said a few things that
caught on and became their leader....whoo boy
what a bad day that was for us...you know... your Chosen People. We
don't really know where you were in the earth
years 1940 to 1945.
We know everyone needs a break now and then...even Lord God Almighty
needs some time off. But really...when we
needed you most, you were never around. You are probably aware of this,
but if you have forgotten, over six million of
your Chosen people, along with quite a few unchosen others were
murdered.
They even made lamp shades out of our skins. Look, we don't want to
dwell on the past, but it gets worse! Here we are,
it's 1948, and millions of us are displaced yet again, when you really
pull a fast one. We finally get our own land back!
Yes!!! After all these years, you arrange for us to go back... then all
the Arab countries immediately declare war on us.
We have to tell you that sometimes your sense of humour really eludes
us. Ok, so we win all the wars, but it's now 2002
and nothing's changed. We keep getting blown up, hijacked, and
kidnapped. We have no peace whatsoever.
Enough is enough. So, we hope that you understand that nothing's forever
(except you of course) and we respectfully
would like to pull out of our verbal agreement vis-a-vis being your
chosen people. Look, sometimes things work out,
sometimes they don't.
Let's be friends over the next few eons and see what happens. How about
this? We're sure you recall that Abraham had
a whole other family from Ishmael (the ones who got the oil) How about
making them your chosen people for a few
thousand years?
Respectfully yours,
