Best E-mails of the Week 8/10/03
From the NYTimes:
And the Forecast Is . . .
By MICHAEL RUBINER
ednesday
in New York : Rain. Heavy at times. Followed by periods of
precipitation.
Thursday : Lingering showers throughout the day. Chance of rain
800 percent.
Friday : Moist. Damp. Sodden.
Saturday : Rainish. Showery. Precipitacious.
Sunday : Light rain followed by heavy rain followed by pouring.
Monday : Unseasonably rainy in the morning. Uncharitably rainy
in the afternoon. Unconscionably rainy in the evening.
Tuesday : Endless showers broken up by occasional flooding.
Wednesday : Remember "Waterworld"? Like that, only with more
rain.
Thursday : Not sunny. The opposite of sunny. Just forget about
sunny, O.K.?
Friday : Clearing just long enough for you to make weekend
plans. Followed by obscene amounts of rain.
Saturday : Take a wild guess.
Sunday : Incessant, spirit-crushing rain. The kind of rain that
makes it futile to get out of bed in the morning. The kind of rain that seems as
if it will never end. And guess what? It never will. Ever. Do you understand?
Monday : Please go away.
Tuesday : Ample, brilliant sunshine throughout the day. Wait —
did I say sunshine? I meant rain. Really hard rain.
Meanwhile, look at how dry it has been in Europe:
VIN # On Your Vehicle
>
> The vehicle identification number of your vehicle, which can be
seen through your windshield, has now become the center of attention for
>crooks.
> If the number is copied down, and taken to either a car dealer or
>lock smith, a duplicate key can be made, and your car can be stolen.
> It is suggested that while your car is parked, to leave a piece
of paper or business card over the VIN plate so it cannot be seen.
> Pass this information on to your friends and relatives, so they
don't become a statistic.
Last night
on Louis Rukheyser, the auto analyst said car companies
are selling many cars with the low
financing, but making almost no profit.
Perhaps if designers would hide
the VIN, and rid us of that annoying panic button
siren that goes off by mistake
thousands of times more than because someone
catches a burglar, -profits
might go up. (If they didn't have that Check Engine light
profits might also rise.)
And what's going on with the
buzzer when I haven't put my seat belt on.
Greg, please hurry and figure out
how to disconnect it!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!" He
slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help?"
"No, I did not, it is 3 am and it's pouring outside!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember about
three months ago
when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man, feeling badly for rejecting the poor guy, does as he is told, gets
dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Bowling Teams
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a
weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The
Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The
Blonde team rides upstairs. The Brunette team down
below is whooping it up having a great time, when
one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from
the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and
investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she
finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-
ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're
havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes from the second team looks up
and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
As also Heard on "Car Talk" last week:
For those
who are feeling a little older and missing
those great old tunes, here is good news! Come of our
favorite artists have re-released their greatest hits
with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience
...
>
>
>Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely
Walker"
>
>The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
>
>The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
>
>Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made For
Bunions"
>
>The Beatles - "I Get By With A Little Help From My
Depends"
>
>Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
>
>Procol Haren - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
>
>Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
>
>Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
>
>ABBA - "Denture Queen"
>
>Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
>
>Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your
Face"
>
>Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The
Bathroom"
>
>Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
The Alphabet
> Although things are not perfect
> Because of trial or pain
> Continue in thanksgiving
> Do not begin to blame .
> Even when the times are hard
> Fierce winds are bound to blow
> God is forever able
> Hold on to what you know.
> Imagine life without His love
> Joy would cease to be
> Keep thanking Him for all the
things
> Love imparts to thee.
> Move out of "Camp Complaining"
> No weapon that is known
> On earth can yield the power
> Praise can do alone.
> Quit looking at the future
> Redeem the time at hand
> Start every day with worship
> To "thank" is a command.
> Until we see Him coming
> Victorious in the sky
> We'll run the race with gratitude
> Xalting God most high.
> Yes, there'll be good times and
yes some will be bad, but...
> Zion waits in glory...where none
are ever sad!
Here's an
update on the house. The masons are doing a great job with the brick
foundation.
The brick layer is from Utah and
moved here where his wife's family is. I was so pleased to have
Dad, Mom, Uncle Justy and Aunt
Lorraine stop by to see the progress.
They had used extensive red
brick when they built their homes, so it was nice to follow in
that family tradition, even if for
the foundation only.
But I don't use a trowel like they
did, I only organize and inspect this part of the work.
Pete
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