Best E-mails of the Week 7/21/02

 

A Georgia State patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver that juggling fascinated him and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the
patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the
patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do
this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what
he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail...
Hell, ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test."
 

Another magician worked on a cruise ship. There was a different
audience each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began
 to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood,  the boisterous parrot started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
 the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was after all, the
captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank.
The magician found himself clinging to a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with,

as fate would have it, the parrot.
 They stared at each other with mutual contempt but did not utter a
 word. This went on for a day, and then another day, and then another,
until, finally,on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up.
Where's the  ship?"

Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who spilled coffee on herself and
 sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award for
 the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The following are recent candidates:

1. January 2000:
 Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was
awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a
toddler who was running  inside a furniture store. The owners of the store
were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little kid was
 Ms. Robertson's son.
 2. June 1998:
 A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
 when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
 apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he
 was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
 3. October 1998:
A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just
 finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage
door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
 couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
 locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found
 himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi
 he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance
 claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to
 the tune of half a million dollars.
 4. October 1999:
 Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical
 expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
 beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The award
 was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a
 little bit provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it
 repeatedly with a pellet gun.
 5. May 2000:
 A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
 Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke
 her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her
 boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
 6. December 1997:
 Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night
 club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
 floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was
 trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the
 $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
And the winner is:
Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000, Mr. Grazinski
 purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home,
 having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly
 left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee.
 Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned.  Mr.
 Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he
 couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie.
(Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case,
 just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

Here is a great OpEd piece from the NYTimes (NYTimes.com):

It was written in Cornwall, CT  next door to our current project.

Mary doesn't serve us much corn because

she claims it isn't all that nutritious. Right she is again.

OPINION | July 19, 2002  
When a Crop Becomes King
By MICHAEL POLLAN (NYT) Op-Ed

 

When a Crop Becomes King

By MICHAEL POLLAN

CORNWALL BRIDGE, Conn. — Here in southern New England the corn is already waist high and growing so avidly you can almost hear the creak of stalk and leaf as the plants stretch toward the sun. The ears of sweet corn are just starting to show up on local farm stands, inaugurating one of the ceremonies of an American summer. These days the nation's nearly 80 million-acre field of corn rolls across the countryside like a second great lawn, but this wholesome, all-American image obscures a decidedly more dubious reality.

Like the tulip, the apple and the potato, zea mays (the botanical name for both sweet and feed corn) has evolved with humans over the past 10,000 years or so in the great dance of species we call domestication. The plant gratifies human needs, in exchange for which humans expand the plant's habitat, moving its genes all over the world and remaking the land (clearing trees, plowing the ground, protecting it from its enemies) so it might thrive.

Corn, by making itself tasty and nutritious, got itself noticed by Christopher Columbus, who helped expand its range from the New World to Europe and beyond. Today corn is the world's most widely planted cereal crop. But nowhere have humans done quite as much to advance the interests of this plant as in North America, where zea mays has insinuated itself into our landscape, our food system — and our federal budget.

One need look no further than the $190 billion farm bill President Bush signed last month to wonder whose interests are really being served here. Under the 10-year program, taxpayers will pay farmers $4 billion a year to grow ever more corn, this despite the fact that we struggle to get rid of the surplus the plant already produces. The average bushel of corn (56 pounds) sells for about $2 today; it costs farmers more than $3 to grow it. But rather than design a program that would encourage farmers to plant less corn — which would have the benefit of lifting the price farmers receive for it — Congress has decided instead to subsidize corn by the bushel, thereby insuring that zea mays dominion over its 125,000-square mile American habitat will go unchallenged.

At first blush this subsidy might look like a handout for farmers, but really it's a form of welfare for the plant itself — and for all those economic interests that profit from its overproduction: the processors, factory farms, and the soft drink and snack makers that rely on cheap corn. For zea mays has triumphed by making itself indispensable not to farmers (whom it is swiftly and surely bankrupting) but to the Archer Daniels Midlands, Tysons and Coca-Colas of the world.

Our entire food supply has undergone a process of "cornification" in recent years, without our even noticing it. That's because, unlike in Mexico, where a corn-based diet has been the norm for centuries, in the United States most of the corn we consume is invisible, having been heavily processed or passed through food animals before it reaches us. Most of the animals we eat (chickens, pigs and cows) today subsist on a diet of corn, regardless of whether it is good for them. In the case of beef cattle, which evolved to eat grass, a corn diet wreaks havoc on their digestive system, making it necessary to feed them antibiotics to stave off illness and infection. Even farm-raised salmon are being bred to tolerate corn — not a food their evolution has prepared them for. Why feed fish corn? Because it's the cheapest thing you can feed any animal, thanks to federal subsidies. But even with more than half of the 10 billion bushels of corn produced annually being fed to animals, there is plenty left over. So companies like A.D.M., Cargill and ConAgra have figured ingenious new ways to dispose of it, turning it into everything from ethanol to Vitamin C and biodegradable plastics.

By far the best strategy for keeping zea mays in business has been the development of high-fructose corn syrup, which has all but pushed sugar aside. Since the 1980's, most soft drink manufacturers have switched from sugar to corn sweeteners, as have most snack makers. Nearly 10 percent of the calories Americans consume now come from corn sweeteners; the figure is 20 percent for many children. Add to that all the corn-based animal protein (corn-fed beef, chicken and pork) and the corn qua corn (chips, muffins, sweet corn) and you have a plant that has become one of nature's greatest success stories, by turning us (along with several other equally unwitting species) into an expanding race of corn eaters.

So why begrudge corn its phenomenal success? Isn't this the way domestication is supposed to work?

The problem in corn's case is that we're sacrificing the health of both our bodies and the environment by growing and eating so much of it. Though we're only beginning to understand what our cornified food system is doing to our health, there's cause for concern. It's probably no coincidence that the wholesale switch to corn sweeteners in the 1980's marks the beginning of the epidemic of obesity and Type 2 diabetes in this country. Sweetness became so cheap that soft drink makers, rather than lower their prices, super-sized their serving portions and marketing budgets. Thousands of new sweetened snack foods hit the market, and the amount of fructose in our diets soared.

This would be bad enough for the American waistline, but there's also preliminary research suggesting that high-fructose corn syrup is metabolized differently than other sugars, making it potentially more harmful. A recent study at the University of Minnesota found that a diet high in fructose (as compared to glucose) elevates triglyceride levels in men shortly after eating, a phenomenon that has been linked to an increased risk of obesity and heart disease. Little is known about the health effects of eating animals that have themselves eaten so much corn, but in the case of cattle, researchers have found that corn-fed beef is higher in saturated fats than grass-fed beef.

We know a lot more about what 80 million acres of corn is doing to the health of our environment: serious and lasting damage. Modern corn hybrids are the greediest of plants, demanding more nitrogen fertilizer than any other crop. Corn requires more pesticide than any other food crop. Runoff from these chemicals finds its way into the groundwater and, in the Midwestern corn belt, into the Mississippi River, which carries it to the Gulf of Mexico, where it has already killed off marine life in a 12,000 square mile area.

To produce the chemicals we apply to our cornfields takes vast amounts of oil and natural gas. (Nitrogen fertilizer is made from natural gas, pesticides from oil.) America's corn crop might look like a sustainable, solar-powered system for producing food, but it is actually a huge, inefficient, polluting machine that guzzles fossil fuel — a half a gallon of it for every bushel.

So it seems corn has indeed become king. We have given it more of our land than any other plant, an area more than twice the size of New York State. To keep it well fed and safe from predators we douse it with chemicals that poison our water and deepen our dependence on foreign oil. And then in order to dispose of all the corn this cracked system has produced, we eat it as fast as we can in as many ways as we can — turning the fat of the land into, well, fat. One has to wonder whether corn hasn't at last succeeded in domesticating us.
 

Michael Pollan is the author, most recently, of "The Botany of Desire: A Plant's-Eye View of the World."

 



 

Here's a picture from Ted's boat of Candlewood Lake with the dock Raf helped Ted build.

 

More boats as seen from the room we stayed in at the Jersey shore last weekend.

 

We motored to this island with Dave and Lisa and their kids. The way to dig clams

is to look for the air holes in the sand, and find them 3" below.

The big ones are only supposed to be for chowder,

but Dave steamed them tasty enough for me!

Pete

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