Best E-mails of the Week 7/21/02
A Georgia State patrolman
pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95.
When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered
that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do
a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver
that juggling fascinated him and if the driver would do a little juggling
for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had
sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The
patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked
if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got
three flares and lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just take me to jail... Hell, ain't no way I'm gonna pass that test." |
Another magician
worked on a cruise ship. There was a different
audience each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began
to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, the boisterous parrot started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was after all, the
captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank.
The magician found himself clinging to a piece of wood in the middle of the sea
with,
as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with mutual contempt but did not utter a
word. This went on for a day, and then another day, and then another,
until, finally,on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up.
Where's the ship?"
Stella Liebeck is the 81 year old lady who
spilled coffee on herself and
sued McDonalds. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award
for
the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The following are recent
candidates:
1. January 2000:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was
awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a
toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store
were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little
kid was
Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998:
A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when
he
was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998:
A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just
finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage
door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage
locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson
found
himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of
Pepsi
he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance
claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to
the tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The
award
was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a
little bit provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. May 2000:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke
her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at
her
boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night
club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton
was
trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the
$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
And the winner is:
Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000, Mr. Grazinski
purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip
home,
having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly
left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of
coffee.
Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he
couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie.
(Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case,
just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)
Here is a great OpEd piece from the NYTimes (NYTimes.com):
It was written in Cornwall, CT next door to our current project.
Mary doesn't serve us much corn because
she claims it isn't all that nutritious. Right she is again.
OPINION |
July 19,
2002
When a Crop
Becomes King
By MICHAEL
POLLAN (NYT) Op-Ed
|
Here's a picture from Ted's boat of Candlewood Lake with the dock Raf helped Ted build.
More boats as seen from the room we stayed in at the Jersey shore last weekend.
We motored to this island with Dave and Lisa and their kids. The way to dig clams
is to look for the air holes in the sand, and find them 3" below.
The big ones are only supposed to be for chowder,
but Dave steamed them tasty enough for me!
Pete
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