I'm involved with a building contractor now. Not like brother Lou.
This contractor never swung a hammer in his life. He's a contractor.
He signs a contract with one person to have something done,
then he signs a contract with a someone else to do it.
He's a contractor!
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Or watch a white thing come out a chicken behind and think, "that ought to taste good."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped buy the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
When we went to the Tom Petty concert, Joanne told me
about Steve Jobs' graduation speech.
The next morning Ann sent it to me by coincidence. Here it is:
The other couple is my cousin Cheryl and her husband Terry.
COFFEE:
A short story by yours truly, well kind of a long story maybe.
"Uh oh" I thought. Was that sound loud enough for her to hear? The pan had hardly touched the cabinet. "Peter, you're not emptying the dishwasher, are you?"
"OK Ok" I answered toward the stairs.
Looking over to the coffee maker I saw the glass pot filling with coffee quickly, so I dumped out the hot water in Mary's special cup, and poured all the coffee already made into it. "Drat" It was already half filled. I waited obediently, and poured the next two quarters in as they perked, stirred everything, and marched the overflowing cup on its napkin coaster and saucer up the stairs to the bedroom.
I kissed her as I do each morning, and set the coffee on her night table.
Into my office space next door, I double clicked on the AOL icon, and headed downstairs for my own coffee.
My computer had been turned on minutes earlier when I awoke, gathered some clothes and slippers, and headed downstairs for the usual coffee ritual. So now I could click on the icon without waiting for Windows XP to load. It's all about efficiency, and saving time to us engineers! Later, when I return to read my newspapers on line with my own cup of coffee, I simply type in my password, and I'm ready to go. No time wasting for me!
As I walked down the stairs, she spoke. "You didn't take the coffee off three times, did you? It tastes burned again. I only get one cup a day you know."
"Well, I took it off three times, but I admit the first was a half, and then two quarters", I called up the stairs.
Jeesh, she is amazing the way she can tell the difference, (I should put a pea under her mattress some day) although knowing I was emptying the dishwasher was a hint that I did not perform my duty correctly that morning.
It seems like I have mastered the other aspects of the task pretty well, but the timing of the first one third cup needs more practice.
I used to screw up the amount of coffee for her cup, by putting in too much or too little. But since Mom Flo found us one of those old time plastic cylinder scoops, I've perfected the quantity control. One full level scoop gets applied to the fresh brown filter paper that fits into the conical coffee maker holder. I once tried to use the white filter paper and learned immediately that she could taste the bleach in it, so no more white filters have entered our home.
And some brown filters that were oversized would get caught on the top of the coffee maker when the hinged holder was swung shut. With the water going around the filter, the entire brew was ruined. Often she would call me on it, and I'd march downstairs, open the compartment and lament that she was right. I could see the filter mistake, so I would throw it and the grinds into the garbage and start a whole new brew for her.
For a while I would have scissors nearby, and I would cut the tops of the filter paper off so that they would not get caught, but lately the filters Mary buys are pretty well sized, and they don't get stuck.
Greg did buy us a new coffee maker for Christmas in our never ending quest toward java perfection, but the coffee seemed to taste better from the old reliable maker, so the old one is still in use. It better not ever break down.
Cold water is the next ingredient that Elexehente Juanita Valdez notices and approves of. I always figured that by putting in hot tap water, the coffee maker heater would bring it to the boiling point faster, and my daily morning task would be over sooner, and more efficiently.
Not so. Only cold water can be used, and she tastes the difference immediately.
She does not allow the short cut of turning the coffee maker on while I fill the cold water container. (Parallel activities on the critical path network are not acceptable if they compromise coffee outcome quality)
So the procedure must be:
1. Turn on the kitchen lights and radio station WJMJ for relaxing morning music throughout the house (unless Raf is home, and must be allowed to sleep later.)
2. Wash my hands with soap and dry them.
3. Swing open the door to the coffee maker filter holder.
4. Take a single brown filter out of its cardboard box, and insert it down the cone tight to the bottom, touching only the upper perimeter that does not come in contact with the coffee.
5. Open the plastic giant baggy, and take Florence's scooper out, setting it not on the possibly dirty counter top, but on the clean top of the coffee maker.
6. Remove the plastic top to the plastic quart container within the big baggy, exposing the freshly ground beans, and whiff the aroma for only a second.
7. With the precious grinds exposed to the decaying effects of the air, immediately take a fully level scoop and distribute it evenly across the bottom of the filter.
8. Use the scooper to take another one eighth of a scoop to spread more grinds across the low unfilled areas of the filter.
9. Use the scooper to take another one half a scoop for my cup of coffee later.
10. Quickly replace the cap on the plastic quart, expelling air from the inside as possible. Place the scoop on top of the plastic cap, but don't bother with the double freshness barrier of the baggie just yet. There's a lot of work to do!
( I forgot to tell you that years ago I placed a magic marker line on the outside of the plastic measuring …container thing so that cold tap water now gets filled to the exact proper level.)
11. Fill the plastic container thing with cold tap water up to the blue mark. If under, add water, if over, pour excess out into sink.
12. Open the top of the coffee maker, and pour all the cold water into it.
13. Close the top and only then do you hit the switch button to start brewing.
Now there is a little break time, while we wait for the first one third of a cup to reach the glass pot.
14. Open the dishwasher and take out Mary's one and only white ceramic cup that can be used only once each day for coffee.
15. There is usually water puddled on top of the upside down cup after the dishwasher cycle from last night. Do not drop this on the oak floor between the dishwasher and the sink.
16. Holding the puddle level, slowly bring the cup to the sink, and drop the puddled water there as you turn the cup right side up.
17. Turn the faucet on to hot water, which is immediate thanks to our plumber recommending the instant hot water circulation pipes in the basement.
18. As the water goes from cold to warm to hot, refill the container to just below the blue mark. (This involves my making my own cup of coffee later.)
19. When the hot water looks real hot, fill Mary's cup to overflowing, and set it on the counter near the sink, and let the cup heat up.
20. Go to the dishwasher, and retrieve my blue and white cup, spilling the puddle into the sink, and setting it on the other counter.
(My cup need not be preheated because I'm not really that fussy about coffee temperature.)
21. Go to the dishwasher again, this time the lower level, and take out the two lightweight saucers.
22. Place them on the counter left of the coffee maker.
23. Place a napkin on each saucer.
24. Place my dry cup on my napkin and saucer.
25. Check the coffee maker level, not yet ready for one third of a cup.
26. Open refrigerator, and pour half an inch of organic milk into my cup.
27. Open the lower cabinet and bring out the quart bottle of Southern Comfort liquor.
28. Pour about a shot into my milk, and put the S.C. back.
29. Ignore the clean dishes, glasses and utensils that must be taken out of the dishwasher. (This is extremely difficult)
30. Swish the brewing coffee around the glass pot to mix it up so that no one part on the burner gets burned. (Do not put only a small amount into Mary's cup yet. Premature placement does not allow the cup to be heated by the hot water for a long enough period, and a small amount of coffee in the cup by itself will cool right off -won't it?)
31. Empty the hot water into the sink, and shake her cup upside down so that there are no water drops left in it which could dilute the coffee.
32. Pour one third of the brewed coffee into the cup now on its napkin and saucer, and replace the glass pot to continue collecting the newly brewing coffee.
33. Wait. -well maybe put one or two dishwasher things away.
34. Pour the second third of coffee into Mary's cup.
35. Go to dishwasher and retrieve a big spoon to stir her coffee. Just leave it on the edge of the saucer on top of the clean napkin. Never set it in my coffee to be polluted by my milk and S.C.
36. Now with her coffee brewing about to be completed, swing open the filter compartment door to check that the filter did not droop over when I closed the door before.
37. Quickly spread the half a scoop of fresh grounds (for my coffee) on the muddy grounds, and close the compartment door.
Footnote: In the old days, I used to try to make her cup and mine, but the double water and double amount of grinds affected her cup's outcome, so now my coffee cannot interfere with hers (and I wouldn't want it to anyway.)
The extra half scoop of grinds does not have time to make her cup too strong, so it is acceptable to add it in at this time. If I waited, I would not be able to take her cup upstairs immediately as I must once her portion of the brewing finishes.
38. Add my warm water to the top of the coffee maker.
39. Place the last one third of her coffee into her cup, to the top.
40. Stir all three one thirds, being careful not to scrape the metal spoon against the insides of her ceramic cup.
41. A little bit of coffee overflowing onto the white napkin to make it brown shows that she received a full cup and not a short cup. Or as we say in coffee jargon a "tall" "grande" size. It's these little extras that I would not gyp her of her only cup of the day that go a long way to making a strong marriage!
42. Walk the cup and saucer upstairs, and place it on her night table with the handle facing right so that she can grip it easily.
43. Kiss her as I said before.
44. Double Click on AOL, go downstairs, and get my own coffee and come back upstairs.
45. Ask her how she likes the coffee, and if she says it's good, smile.
If she says it was burned, is cold, is too strong or weak, go downstairs again and add more Southern Comfort to my cup.
So these are the ways of our life together. Mary of course prepares all my favorite healthy foods the rest of the day, so I do get a good deal for the one special thing I try to do for her. And I thank God I don't have to prepare the meals to the specifications we set for the joe!
Next week, the adventures of Mary buying the coffee beans of her choice at the local coffee shop, including her instructions for opening only a fresh bag of beans, grinding to espresso standards, immediately sealing in her plastic container, and tipping the coffee workers for their prompt attention. Well, maybe not.
Pete
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