Best E-mails of the Week 06/20/04.   

 

 

READ SLOWLY - THESE ARE CLEVER!!  (Some new ones here)



   Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

 

  Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.



  Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage



  Burglarize: What a crook sees with



  Control: A short, ugly inmate



Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets



Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living



Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist



Heroes: what a guy in a boat does



Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot



Misty: How golfers create divots



Paradox: two physicians



Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.



Pharmacist:  a helper on the farm



Polarize:  what penguins see with



Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV



Relief: what trees do in the spring



Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife



Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6



Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does



Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official



And last but not least :  Subdued ...like a guy, like works on one of
those Attack Submarines
 

 

 

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp them until they
turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


 

 

 

 

As a licensed septic installer, I can appreciate that the Tigris is finally being cleaned up.






A G.I. stood guard this week at a sewage treatment plant in Baghdad that restarted last month.

 It is the first time in a decade or more that the Iraqi capital's sewage has been treated.



 

Anita,
How is Brad doing as the longest day of the year approaches?
Did he hear President Bush's speech to the troops?
Pete

 

Hi Pete,
 
He didn't mention hearing the speech.  He had to travel into Baghdad for training on the 16th and returned to camp today.  I was thankful he called to let me know he made it there safely, along with his return trip.  He was living the life of a general for a couple of days eating lobster and swimming in the pool (at the general's house while he was out of town).  He said it was a nice break from the long hours at work.
 
We were wondering if he would be offered a promotion to Sergeant Major, but found out he would have to delete his retirement orders in order to be looked at.  He declined, saying he wants to be home with his family.  If he would have been promoted that would have definitely meant another deployment.  Now it is time to start beginning the retirement process again.  He is hoping to get some time to work on that soon.
 
He is also working closely with some Iraqis.  He has hired them to do various jobs (electrical, concrete slabs, etc).  He said that some would offer food and other gifts for work, but the people he chose are very good workers and haven't offered bribes.
 
When he called today I could hear the prayer song in the background.  Isn't that amazing?  I can't imagine being in a place that is so different from what we know and think traditional in the U.S.A.
 
Are you getting excited about your historical presentation?  What is the date again?  (711) What else is going on in your household? (Nothing important compared to your household)
 
Love,
Anita

Anita, When Brad teaches the Iraqis that work skills and not bribes are rewarded, he does them and us a great service. How proud we all are of him! Happy Father's Day to Brad, you and Alexander.  Pete


Being a soldier is not easy. Here is a work schedule for someone else in the defense service.

12 hour shifts for a straight week, then a week off, then a week on, etc.

 

Schedule

 

          Scheduled OT 4 Hours          
Day Shift 0430-1700   Holiday Worked
Night Shift 1630-0500   Holiday Worked
Scheduled Leave               Holiday Leave
TDY                        

 

S M T W T F S S M T W T F S S M T W T F S S M T W T F S
                                Jun-04                  
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
Sunny                                                         
Rick    9 9 9 9 8     9 9 9 9       9 9 9 9 8     9 9 9 9    
Ed                                     Annual Leave      
Gary              Leave                         Leave            
Hawk    9 9 9 9       9 9 9 9 8     9 9 9 9       9 9 9 9 8  
Joanne   9 9 9 9 8     9 9 9 9                                
                                    Jul-04              
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Ed   9 9 9 9       9 9 9 9 8                              
Joanne                                                        
Sunny                                                         
Hawk    9 9 9 9       9 9 9 9 8                              
Rick    9 9 9 9 8     9 9 Annual Leave       9 9 8     9 9 9 9    
Gary              Leave                         Leave            
                                          Aug-04        
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joanne                                                        
Ed                                                        
Hawk    9 9 9 9       9 9 9 9 8                              
Sunny                                                         
Rick                                9 9 9 9 8     9 9 9 9    
Gary  Leave Leave

 

 

Pete,
 
You may find this link interesting. It is related to the building of the Messina Bridge connecting Sicily to main land Italy.
 
http://www.strettodimessina.it/inglese.html
 
 
Gerald

 

 

 

 

 

Answers are at the end. Don't peak!

1. Name the Beatles.
_________________
_________________
_________________
_________________

2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears, ____ ____ !"

3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" _____ _____ _____ _____.

4. What do m&m's do? ____ ____ ____ ____, ____ ____ ____ ____

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _____ _____.

6. Long before he was Mohammed Ail, we knew him as _____ _____.

7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____
________.

8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy."
But we know that Bob Denver is actually Daub's closest friend, ______G._______

9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!

10. "Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____."

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.

12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this
line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; ____ ______ _____ _____
_________?"


13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
"War...uh-huh,huh...yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____."

14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending
battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____.

15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best
quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a
television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____ ______.

16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to
the finish, ____ ____ ____ ___ ____. I'm Popeye the sailor man."

17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by
Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______
______.

18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er
do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking
meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful
attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used
this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we
have here, ____ ____ ____  ____ ___."

19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a
race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics."Just think,
you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore."

20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six
foot six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the
hip.
And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, ____ ____,____ ____ ____."

21. "I found my thrill, ____ ____ ____."

22. ____ ____ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ____ ____ ____."

23. "Good night, David." "____ ____,____."

24. "Liar, liar, ____ ____ ____."

25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today.
____!

____ ____ ____ ____."

26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the
enemy, and ____ ____ ____."


ANSWERS:
1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
2. Oh, my
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder Bread
6. Cassius Clay
7. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Krebbs
9. Why? Because we like you.
10. A little dab'll do ya.
11. Over 30
12. Who wrote the book of love
13. Absolutely nothin'
14. The American way
15. Joe Namath
16. "Cause I eats me spinach"
17. Mary Martin
18. Is a failure to communicate
19. Richard Nixon
20. Big John, Big Bad John
21. On Blueberry Hill
22. Jimmy Durante - Wherever you are.
23. Good night, Chet.
24. Pants on fire
25. Smile you're on Candid Camera
26. He is us


SCORING:
24-26 correct - You're probably 50+ years old
20-23 correct - Most likely in your 40's
15-19 correct - Are we in our 30's?
10-14 correct - Must be in your 20's!!
1- 9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dude?
  >>

Mom and Lou, Did you get them all?

I missed Wonder Bread, Big John and said Benny, not Durante.


 

 

 

Missing Child

If anyone anywhere knows anything, sees anything, please contact the original screen name that sent this, which isCMINEO0295@aol.com


  LOOK AT THIS PICTURE AND THEN FORWARD--PLEASE DON'T DELETE PLEASE LOOK AT PICTURE THEN FORWARD I am asking you all, begging you to please, forward this email on to anyone and everyone you know, PLEASE.  I have a 5 year old son named Christopher John Mineo Jr, nickname C.J.  I am from Brooklyn N.Y. He has been missing since May 11 

 I am including a picture of him. All prayers are appreciated!!

It only takes 2 seconds to forward this on, if it was your child, you would want all the help you could get.  Please.

Christopher John Mineo Sr
Stephanie M. Lawton
Office Manager
New York State Independent Living Council, Inc.
111 Washington Avenue, Suite 101
Albany, New York 12210
All prayers are appreciated!!



 

> > The best prayer I have heard in a long time!
> >
> > Heavenly God, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in
traffic
> last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is
rushing
> home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few
> precious moments with her children.
> >
> > Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man
> who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student,
> balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting
his
> student loans for next semester.
> >
> > Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the
same
> spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions
> that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
> >
> > Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through
> the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this
> moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week,
> this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
> >
> > Heavenly God, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us,
> the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those
we
> hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to
all
> humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience,
> empathy and love.
> >

 

   


 

Writing Best Emails each week, because I could,

Pete


 

 

 

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