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America Attacked 9 1 1
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The following are actual excerpts from reports and tests from America's
 finest high schools and colleges. Spelling has been preserved.
The airplane was invented and first flown by the Marx brothers.
 Hitler's instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho.
 Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.
Middle Eastern history was written by Florence of Arabia.
 The Soviets erected the Berlin Mall?
 Plato invented reality. He was teacher to Harris Tottle, author of The Republicans.
Germany's William II had a chimp on his shoulder and therefore had to ride
his horse with only one hand.
 The Germans took the by-pass around France's Marginal Line. This was known
as the "Blintz Krieg."
 Corruption grew especially ripe in Zaire, where Mobutu was known to
 indulge in more than an occasional little armadillo.
 The plurious of wealth was therefore uneven. The rural populous was
 reduced to tenement farming.
 The Boston Tea Party was held at Pearl Harbor.
Americans wanted no involvement in the French and Indian War because they
 did not want to fight in India.
 Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the
 Sahaira Desert. The Book of Exodus describes this trip, including the Ten
 Commandments, various special effects and the building of the Suez Canal.
 Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion.
During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark.
Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born. The
 mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her
 immaculate contraption.
 The fall of empires has been a good thing, because it gives more people a
 chance to exploit their own people without outside interference.
 Roman girls who did not marry could become Vestigal Virgins, a group of
 women who were dedicated to burning the internal flame.
 Machiavelli, who was often unemployed, wrote The Prince to get a job with
 Richard Nixon.
 History is nothing more than the behind of the present.
 This gives incites from the anals of the past.
 The British Empire is in a state of recline. Its colonies have slowly
 dribbled away leaving only the odd speck on the map.
Civil rights leader Martin Luther Junior was slain in the 1960s, shortly
 after making his famous "If I Had A Hammer" speech.
 World War II began turning around when the Allies landed near Italy's toe
 and gradually advanced up her leg.
 Hitler shot himself in the bonker.
When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 many people were left to
 political incineration. Some, like John Paul Sart, retreated into
 extraterrestrialism. The New Deal was an idea inspired by Franklin Eleanor
 Roosavelt.
     "Judyism had one big God named Yahoo."
 Satan Husane invaided Kiwi and Sandy Arabia.
 Spartacus led a slave rebellion in ancient Rome and then appeared in a
 movie about it later.
 Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door.
 The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
 born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and
 is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, and comedies, all
 in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
 couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
 Donkey Hote.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
 navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
 ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
 Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
 Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people
 died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
 this.
 One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
 without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
 for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."   Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
 hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
 bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
 in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
 hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
 Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
 and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
 The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This
 ruined Booth's career.
 The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
 have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
 Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
 They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his
 death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
   "In the Olympic  games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled  the biscuits, and
    threw the java."
 Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
 because they never stayed in one place for very long.
 Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
 of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
 Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
 fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
 Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
 same offense.
 In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
 futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
 literature.
 Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
 standing on his son's head.
 It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
 removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
 circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
 invented cigarettes and started smoking.
 Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
 invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
 Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
 autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
 Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
 of children. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
 composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half
 Italian and half English. He was very large.
 Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he rote loud
 music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
 him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
 The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted
 into Napoleon.
 The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in> the East and the sun sets in the West.
 Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She
 was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event
 which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
 People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The  invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
 McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
 men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
 naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And
 Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
 The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an
 anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.