Best E-mails of the Week 6/15/03

Front View

The back yard

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
> > > > > God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. > > > > One
>line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the > > > > other
>line for the men > > > > that were dominated by their women. > > > > Also,
>I want all the women to go with St. Peter." > > > > With that said and
>done, the next time God looked, the women are gone > > > > and there are
>two lines. > > > > > > > > The line of the men that were dominated by their
>women was 100 > > > > miles long, and in the line of men that dominated
>their women, there > > > > was only one man. > > > > God got mad and said,
>"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. > > > > I created, you in my
>image and you were all whipped by your mates. > > > > Look at the only one
>of my sons that stood up and made me proud. > > > > Learn from him! > > > >
>Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" > >
> > > > > > > And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand
>here."

A FLORIDA BLESSING
>>>
>>>   Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
>>>   Please keep it cool in mid-July.
>>>   Bless the walls where termites dine,
>>>   while ants and roaches march in time.
>>>
>>>   Bless our yard where spiders pass
>>>   fire ant castles in the grass.
>>>   Bless the garage, a home to please
>>>   carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
>>>   Bless the love bugs, two by two,
>>>   the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
>>>
>>>   Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
>>>   in Florida, Lord, you've put them all!!
>>>   But this is home, and here we'll stay,
>>>   So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
>>>
>>>   HOLD IT.............there's more....................
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN Florida IN JULY WHEN...
>>>
>>> ~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
>>>
>>> ~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.
>>>
>>> ~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
>>>
>>> ~ Hot water now comes out of both taps.
>>>
>>> ~ You can make sun tea instantly.
>>>
>>> ~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding
iron.
>.
>>>
>>>
>>> ~ The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
>>>
>>> ~ You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your
car.
>>>
>>> ~ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
>>>
>>> ~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
>>>
>>> ~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
>>>
>>> ~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out
>>>   and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
>>>
>>> ~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
>>>
>>> ~ The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one
>>>   out and add butter, salt and pepper.
>>>
>>> ~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
>>>   laying boiled eggs.
>>>
>>> ~ The cows are giving evaporated milk.
>>>
>>>   Aah, what a place to call home

Worth repeating

April 30th: Dear diary:
> > > Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a
> > > state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
> > >evenings.
> > > What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It
>was  beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
> > >
> > > May 14th:
> > > Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an
> > > air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
>to see the sun
> > > every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
> > >
> > > June 5th:
> > > Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
>and  rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE
>SHOVELING
> > > SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
> > >
> > > July 1st:
> > > The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night.
>Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to
>it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll
> > >have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one
>of  those fuzzy steering  wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always
> > > wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.
> > >
> > > July 15th:
> > > Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
>Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though:
>got  to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
> > >
> > > July 20th:
> > > I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning.
>By  the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the
>size of  shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000
> > >worth  of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells
> > >like  Kibble and poop. No more pets in this heat!
> > >
> > > July 25th:
> > > Ocean breezes, my butt. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the
> > > fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he
>needed to  order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.
> > >
> > > July 30th:
> > > Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the
>swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments
>and we  can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
> > >
> > > Aug 4th:
> > > 100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
>and  gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as
>much  as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the
>road. I hate this state.
> > >
> > > Aug 8th:
> > > If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
>tear  his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is
> > >boiling  over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!
> > >
> > > Aug 10th:
> > > The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.
>It's  been too hot for two #@*& months and the weatherman says it might
>really warm
> > > up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it may be hot,
>but  at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion.
> > > Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place??
> > >
> > > Aug 14th:
> > > Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the
> > >window  and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix
>it  and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the $1,500
> > >house  payment to bail me out of jail.
> > >
> > > Aug 30th:
> > > Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house.The monsoon rains
> > > finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and
>drove the damned  roaches and snakes out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly!
>The  Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500
> > > windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you
>have  to worry  about is getting mugged.
> > >
> > > I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.

>Three very pious Jews dressed in long black coats with beards were playing
>golf in Florida.  A guy name Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only
>threesome in which he could play. So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18
>holes.
>
>     At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104. The Rabbis had shot
>69,70 and 72.
>     So, he says to the Rabbis "How come you guys shoot such good golf?"
>     The lead Rabbi says, "When you lead a religious life, join and attend
>the right synagogue, you are rewarded."
>     Mulhany, a true lover of golf, thinks what have I got to lose. He
>finds >a synagogue near his home, converts to Judaism, joins the synagogue,
>regularly attends services and leads a holy life.
>     About a year later, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis. He
>shoots a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70 and 71. He says to them: "OK, I converted,
>joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shoot a 104. What's
>the deal?"
>
>     "What synagogue did you join?" asks the lead Rabbi.
>     "Beth Shalom" is the reply
>     The Rabbi retorted, "Fool!  That one is for tennis!"

The following is forwarded not to offend tennis, basketball,  football or
>soccer fans. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its  proper
>perspective.
>
>Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and  people who don't even
>play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? These truisms  may shed light
>
>  Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming  majority of players
>being honorable people who don't need referees.
>
>  Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every  week.
>
>  Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf  course.
>
>  Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at,  other people.
>
>  Professional golfers are compensated in  direct proportion to how well
>they play.
>
>  Golfers don't get  per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they
>travel between  tournaments.
>
>  Golfers don't hold out for more  money, or demand new contracts, because
>of another player's deal.
>
>   Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses
>on  which they play.
>
>  When golfers make a mistake, nobody is  there to cover for them or back
>them up.
>
>  The PGA Tour raises more  money for charity in one year than the National
>Football League does in  two.
>
>  You can watch the best golfers in the world up close,  at any tournament,
>including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The  cost for a
>seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost around $300  or
>more.
>
>  You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament  golf course, watch the
>best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food  and drink.  Try
>that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football  stadiums.  I
>brought a Coke into Oriole Park at Camden Yards last year, and  an usher
>came to my seat and told me I had to dispose of it, or I would not  be
>  allowed to stay in the stadium.
>
>
>  In  golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season,
>like the best  baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
>
>   Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
>
>  Golfers have  to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
>
>  Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being  interviewed.
>
>  Golf doesn't have free agency.
>
>   In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars, would  shake
 your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his  prime Jose Canseco
>wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
>
>  You  can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
>
>   Ladies are welcome players.
>
>  At a golf tournament, (unlike  at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and
>arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of  four letter words and nasty name
>calling while you're hoping that no one spills  beer on you.
>
>  Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as  far as Barry Bonds can
>hit a baseball.
>
>  Golf Courses don't ruin the  neighborhood.
>
>  Finally, here's a slice of golf history I  thought you might enjoy.
>
>  Why do full-length golf courses  have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an
>even dozen?
>
>  During a  discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in
>1858, one of the  members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to
>polish off a fifth of  Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of
>Scotch per hole, the Scot  figured a round of golf was finished when the
>Scotch ran out. Now you  know.
>

 

Pete