Best E-mails of the Week 05/25/02
Best Puns
| A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A backwards poet writes inverse. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. |
| A blonde from California decides
to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately
springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off. |
(This type of dad needs to do some serious soul searching) |
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
that barks all the
time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat
are really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the
sun.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the
people who have to wait for them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world
to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and all are
different colours.......but
they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you
stop laughing.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.
If the shoe fits......buy it in every colour (YES!)
Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today!
|
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its
own, entitled Survivor, Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, onto El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins! |
"When
I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not
screaming like all the passengers
in his car." --Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for
that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and
just give her a house,"
--Lewis Grizzard
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but
if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -Jeff
Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out
in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating
a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead."
--Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
-Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot . . . . And suppose you were a member
of Congress . . . . But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought
of that!'" -Dave Barry
|
Three
sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in, pauses and yells down the
stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the steps and pauses, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. Shaking her head she says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." |
By now I'm sure that you have heard all the
Redneck jokes. Now here are
some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF:
1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"
correctly.
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits.
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.
6. You've never had an RC Cola.
7. You have never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on
road trips.
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.
11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
12. You don't have bangs.
13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the
same prep school in Connecticut.
15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his
own TV fishing show.
16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them
"you guys," even if both of them are women.
17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your
university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on
an onramp to the highway.
22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman
Marcus.
24. You call binoculars opera glasses.
25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of
road and stopping.
26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
27. You don't know what applique is.
28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Faye
Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice).
29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
31. You can do your laundry without quarters.
32. None of your fur coats are homemade.
Here is a good site about which wine to choose
http://www.eatdrinkdine.com/show/xmlsite/xml-seagram/xsl-start_with_wine/index.html
Pictures of the house Dad is building:
 Here's the new house in the back. Water well at 45 gpm in foreground |
 Cape style |
 Dad in the Master Bedroom |
 Framing at dusk |
 View of main house from 2nd floor. (This view was only seen in the past by Jim during his 1996? parachute jump.) |
 Septic design by me, with what's left of the Christmas trees. |
 Garage side. |
Here is good news from Mary's sister Sue:
Hello to all,
Peter