Best E-mails of the Week 05/18/02
A Few Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
|
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. So at his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're are really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "No - I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." |
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between
airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
While taxing the crew of a US Air flight departing
for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. The irate female ground controller
lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air
2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop
right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed
everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell
you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her
current state. Tension in every cockpit at LAX was
running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence
and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
~~~~~~
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on
downwind to make a three-sixty - do a complete
circle, a move normally used to provide spacing
between aircraft.
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it
costs us two thousand dollars to make even a
one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger,
give me four thousand dollars' worth."
~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing
with his approach speed a little high. San Jose
Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of
the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe
exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to
return to the airport."
~~~~~~
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a
Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of
airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're
following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a
Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have
that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long
pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't
quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevalle."
~~~~~~
Unknown aircraft: "I'm *!*$*!# bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was *!*$*!# bored, not
*!*$*!# stupid!"
~~~~~~
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some
kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've
already notified our caterers."
~~~~~~~~
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know
one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control
and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt,
Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main
taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking
up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206,
haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in
1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop
something off. I didn't stop."
~~~~~~~~~
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start
clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
| About 40 years ago, I went to White Plains, NY to the College of Our Lady of Good Counsel. This is where the Sisters of the Divine Compassion were taught. Back then, the Catholic mass was said in Latin. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, we altar boys had to memorize the responses to the priest's prayers. In the 1964 the mass was changing to English as it is said today, and the job of Sister Mary Patrice was to have her students from St, Lawrence O'Toole Elementary School present a play that would show what the new mass would be like. She selected me, cousin Johnny, George, Dave and Dan to practice with her and be the actors in this mass presentation. I did not like missing recesses for this, but was proud to be selected as the priest (simply because I was temporarily taller than Johnny at the time, and not as smart as the other 4). Anyway I wore the vestments and prepared a homily and memorized the mass for the third Sunday in advent. We put on the play a few times for the SLS student body, and then traveled to White Plains to present it on stage in the college auditorium in front of what seemed like several hundred nuns. It went well and that was the end of it. |
| I was pleased to learn this week that the Good Counsel Center remains active today. Sister Maureen Conroy recently conducted a seminar there on Holistic Spirituality. She incorporated the theme "Save me from the Tizzy" and she presented the attached diagram of "The Human Person" here for you to see. |
| She also said: Praying
is looking at God looking at me. Padre Peto |