Best E-mails of the Week 5/11/03

This Mother's Day week's e-mails all involve Mars and Venus

A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to
>choose a husband from among many men. It is laid out in five
>floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the
>shopper ascends the flights.
>
>There is, however, a catch. As you arrive on any floor you may
>choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you
>cannot go back down, except to exit the building.
>
>So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
>On the first floor the sign says: Floor 1: These men have jobs
>and love kids. The woman reads the sign. "Well that's better
>than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's
>further up?"
>
>So up she goes.
>The second floor sign says:
>Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
>extremely good looking.
>"Hmmm, better." says the woman. "But, I wonder what's further
>up?"
>
>The third floor sign reads:
>Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
>extremely good looking, and help with the housework.
>"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be
>better further up!"
>
>And, again, she goes up.
>On the fourth floor the sign reads:
>Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
>extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have
>a strong romantic streak.
>
>"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me
>further on?
>
>So up to the fifth floor she goes.
>
>The sign on that door says:
>Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible
>to please.
>Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.

What about the given premise: "It is laid out in five
>floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the
>shopper ascends the flights." ?

Subject: Tired of work
>  
>A man was sick and tired of going to work every
day while his wife
>stayed home.  He wanted her to see what he
went through so he prayed:
>
>Dear Lord:
>
>I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while
my wife merely stays at
>home.  I want her to know what I go through, so
please allow her body
>to switch with mine for a day.  Amen.
>
>God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's
wish.
>
>The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke
as a woman.  He arose, cooked
>breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set
out their school clothes,
>fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove
them to school, came home
>and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
cleaners and stopped at the
>bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
then drove home to put away
>the groceries, pay the bills and balance the
check book.
>
>He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the
dog.  Then it was already
>1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust,
>and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.  Ran to
the school to pick up the kids
>and got into an argument with them on the way
home.  Set out cookies and
>milk and got the kids organized to do their
homework, then set up the
>ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.
>
>At 4:30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and
washing vegetables for salad,
>breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh
beans for supper.  After supper he
>cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids,
>and put them to bed.
>
>At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his
daily chores weren't finished,
>he went to bed, where he was expected to make
love, which he managed to get
>through without complaint.
>
>The next morning he awoke and immediately
knelt by the bed and said,
>"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.  I was so
wrong to envy my wife's
>being able to stay home all day.  Please, oh
please, let us trade back."
>
>The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My
son, I feel you have learned
>your lesson and I will be happy to change things
back to the way they were.
>
>You'll just have to wait nine months, though. 
You got pregnant last night."
>
>Don't you just love it?
>
>Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year

Where do we go to vote for the favorite email of the year?

Mood Ring

My husband, not happy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!

Subject   Hormone Hostage

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month

when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his  life in his
hands:


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? 


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: You look good in that color.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!!! 


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?


DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

 

TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

Pass My Shotgun

Psychotic Mood Shift

Perpetual Munching Spree

Puffy Midsection

People Make me Sick

Provide Me with Sweets

Pardon My Sobbing

Pimples May Surface

Pass My Sweatpants  

Pack My Stuff

Permanent Menstrual Syndrome


Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change

a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because

no one else in this house knows HOW to change a

light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is

BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for

THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once

they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the

light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the

SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if

they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS

LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change

the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE

SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD

BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS

CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER

CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER

WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES

OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT

THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN

ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... HOUSE! I'm sorry...what

did you ask me?

Subject: The Church Gossip


Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals,

kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

 Several residents were unappreciative of her activities,

but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of
being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that
everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house...

and he left it there all night.


Raf graduates May 24 with a two year Associate's degree before continuing for his 4 year bachelor's. 

That Saturday night will be exactly 25 years ago in 1978 that I ordered an antipasto platter

 to be sent to Mary's table in a restaurant, and we first met. 

If someone had told me that night that in exactly 25 years,

our oldest son would be graduating from college,

I would have said "Well duh!  Of course that's going to happen"!  :)
 

Pete