Best E-mails of the Week 5/4/03
An Oklahoma football coach walked into the
locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!" |
A couple
drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of
mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-Laws."
Flower Flag 2 1/2 hours north of LA.
These came from an EMT for the Omaha Fire Department.
Did You Know
Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost
immediately without the unpleasant side effects caused by
traditional pain relievers.
Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for
burns.
Before you head to he drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled
with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously
strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of
horseradish in 1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30
minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for
aching muscles.
Sore Throat?? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey
and take 1 Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the
bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two
tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the
symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract
infections almost instantly even though the product was never
been advertised for this use.
Eliminate puffiness under your eyes.....All you need is a dab of
preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes.
The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the
swelling instantly.
Honey remedy for Skin Blemishes......Cover the blemish with a dab
of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria,
keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
Listerine therapy for toenail fungus....Get rid of unsightly
toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The
powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection....To prevent the screws in eyeglasses
from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear
nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
Coca-Cola cure for rust...Forget those expensive rust removers.
Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the
rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job
done.
Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer....If menacing bees,
wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't
find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to
the ground instantly.
Smart splinter remover.....just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-all
over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin.
The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....Cover the boil with Hunt's
tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe
the pain and bring the boil to a head.
Balm for broken blisters.....To disinfect a broken blister, dab
on a few drops of Listerine....a powerful antiseptic.
Heinz vinegar to heal bruises...Soak a cotton ball in white
vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar
reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick.
Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal
thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas
Rainy day cure for dog odor....Next time your dog comes in from
the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer
sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
Eliminate ear mites....All it takes is a few drops of wesson corn
oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton
ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin,
smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
Vaseline cure for hairballs.....To prevent troublesome hairballs,
apply a dollop of vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose.
The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its
stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system.
Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast
anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl
and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply
the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
Here's a song parody to M and M's Real Slim Shady about Saddam Hussein.
(Some parts juvenile, but overall funny)
http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf/realhussein.swf
(We did. We arrived early and went to our seats, and my nose began to bleed, so we walked down to the American Express Gold Card Reserve Seats, and sat there instead, waiting to be ushered away, and saw the show from there. If someone told us to get out of their seats, I was going to say "but we were here first."
Our local deejay Mike Lapitino started it with "Ladies and
Gentleman, from Los Angeles, California, The Doors!" and after the first
song,
When Mary asked me for my favorite Doors song, I said many including Riders on the Storm with the line "Girl ya gotta love your man.")
Tom, Tell Emily "Nice Catch!" Do you remember this picture of Doors lead singer Jim Morrison
on the inside jacket of the Morrison Hotel album we used to play on Mom and Dad's
living room stereo?
While out on the left coast,
You knew this was going to appear:
Pete
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