Best E-mails of the Week 5/4/03


 

An Oklahoma football coach walked into the
locker room before a game, looked over to his
star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let
you play since you failed math, but we need
you in there.  So, what I have to do is ask you
a math question, and if you get it right, you can
play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his

eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate
hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two
plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then

answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited

that he had got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began

screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another
chance!"

A couple drove  down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An  earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted  to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of
mules, jack  asses, and  pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of  yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-Laws."

 

Flower Flag 2 1/2 hours north of LA.



 

These came from an EMT for the Omaha Fire Department.   

Did You Know



Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost

immediately without the unpleasant side effects caused by

traditional pain relievers.



Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for

burns.



Before you head to he drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled

with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously

strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.



Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of

horseradish in 1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30

minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for

aching muscles.



Sore Throat?? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey

and take 1 Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the

bacteria.



Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two

tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the

symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract

infections almost instantly even though the product was never

been advertised for this use.



Eliminate puffiness under your eyes.....All you need is a dab of

preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes.

The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the

swelling instantly.



Honey remedy for Skin Blemishes......Cover the blemish with a dab

of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria,

keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.



Listerine therapy for toenail fungus....Get rid of unsightly

toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The

powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.



Easy eyeglass protection....To prevent the screws in eyeglasses

from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear

nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.



Coca-Cola cure for rust...Forget those expensive rust removers.

Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the

rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job

done.



Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer....If menacing bees,

wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't

find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to

the ground instantly.



Smart splinter remover.....just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-all

over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin.

The splinter sticks to the dried glue.



Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....Cover the boil with Hunt's

tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe

the pain and bring the boil to a head.



Balm for broken blisters.....To disinfect a broken blister, dab

on a few drops of Listerine....a powerful antiseptic.



Heinz vinegar to heal bruises...Soak a cotton ball in white

vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar

reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.



Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick.

Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal

thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas



Rainy day cure for dog odor....Next time your dog comes in from

the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer

sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.



Eliminate ear mites....All it takes is a few drops of wesson corn

oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton

ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin,

smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.



Vaseline cure for hairballs.....To prevent troublesome hairballs,

apply a dollop of vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose.

The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its

stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system.



Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast

anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl

and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply

the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
 

 

Here's a song parody to M and M's Real Slim Shady about Saddam Hussein.

(Some parts juvenile, but overall funny)

http://www.madblast.com/funflash/swf/realhussein.swf

 

Hey Pete and Mary,
The Doors! Wow, hope you had a great time.

(We did.  We arrived early and went to our seats, and my nose began to bleed, so we walked down to the American Express Gold Card Reserve Seats, and sat there instead, waiting to be ushered away, and saw the show from there.  If someone told us to get out of their seats, I was going to say "but we were here first."

Our local deejay Mike Lapitino  started it with "Ladies and Gentleman, from Los Angeles, California, The Doors!"  and after the first song, Roadhouse blues, Robbie Krieger said "It's good to be back here in New Haven.  Last time we were here (35 years ago) Jim had some trouble with the police." We cheered.  At the end of the concert, when Ian Astley asked us what we wanted to hear, we all screamed "Peace Frog" and so they did play it.  {Refer to Best emails trivia question two years ago 6/21/01 about a song with a Connecticut city in it, correctly answered by Mike Carpenter: "Blood in the streets in the Town of New Haven." from the Morrison Hotel album, side one Hard Rock Cafe, song four.) Are all readers able to navigate Best emails to read old stuff from 2001?  E-mail me if you can't.

When Mary asked me for my favorite Doors song, I said many including Riders on the Storm with the line "Girl ya gotta love your man.")

Hey Pete and Mary,
The Doors! Wow, hope you had a great time.
Sorry for the belated Happy Birthday Pete, but..Happy Birthday!
Things are good down here, we just got back from Florida last week, did Sea World, Universal And Busch Gardens, Kids and Ann rode about 15 different roller coasters and flumes, I rode approximately one ride and nearly puked, so I spent most of my time standing there holding assorted purses, sunglasses etc looking like a weenie. Very proud of myself tho,  you know those carnival basketball games where the hoop is like 10 inches across and the ball is like 9 3/4 in? Well I step up and...swish that baby in there. I say to the guy "What do I win?" He says " Anything you want" So I get this Great big stuffed dog for Elyse.
Well I'm thinking "that was pretty easy" so I proceed to drop about 35 bucks trying to win something for Emily and never even come close!  I could tell the old man in the booth was enjoying it  ah well....
 
Emily is playing softball for the first time this year. she looks great in her uniform and cleats and everything but she's nervous out there, never having played any kind of organized softball. Well last nite even tho they lost, she was in the outfield and there was a high fly ball... and...it was just like a Visa commercial...  Baseball mitt...$45   Cleats...$28   first catch in the outfield.....priceless!! 
 
Anyway that's about it. Talk to you soon,
Tom

Tom, Tell Emily "Nice Catch!"  Do you remember this picture of Doors lead singer Jim Morrison

on the inside jacket of the Morrison Hotel album we used to play on Mom and Dad's

living room stereo?

 

 

 

 

While out on the left coast,

You knew this was going to appear:

 

 

Pete


 

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