Best E-mails of the Week 4/14/02

  The Secret to a Happy Marriage
 There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60  years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very  sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.  She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a  happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old  man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were  in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.
 He almost burst with happiness.  "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money?  Where did it come from?  " Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

BIGGGG TROUBLE !!!! DO NOT OPEN "WTC Survivor" It is a virus that
will erase your whole "C" drive. It will come to you in the form of an E-Mail from a familiar person

And all this time I've just been putting Bounce in the dryer.
1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.
2. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
 3. Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
 4. Eliminates static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
 5. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
 6. Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
 7. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
 8. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
9. Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
10. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The antistatic agent
 apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.
 11. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
 12. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
 13. Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
 14. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
 15. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
16. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
 17. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
 

IF I KNEW A Poem dedicated to 9/11 victims

 If I knew it would be the last time
 That I'd see you fall asleep,
 I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
 

 If I knew it would be the last time
 that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
 and call you back for one more.
 

 If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
 I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

 If I knew it would be the last time,
 I could spare an extra minute
 to stop and say "I love you,"
 instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
 

McDonnell Douglas Warranty Card

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) - and made the web department take it down immediately. (McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft.)

****************************************************************************

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen.
[_] Comrade [_]Classified [_] Other

First Name: ..................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ...........

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3.Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19......./......./......

4.Serial Number: ...............................................

5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to
purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Options Package
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq


9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in
the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Satellite
[_] GPS
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Satellite Guided Bomb
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that
apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil
[_] Personal check
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveler's checks

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Dictator
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defense Minister / General
[_] Non-For-Profit/NGO
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on
a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wine tasting
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Revolution
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

An aircraft filled with 101st Airborne Division soldiers en route to Afghanistan circled the World Trade Center disaster site in lower  Manhattan last week to remind the troops of why they were deploying. It was the first time since Sept. 11 that the Federal Aviation Administration allowed a commercial plane to fly over the site.
NOW TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT THEY SAW...
 

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