Best E-mails of the Week 03/23/02
From a Washington Post word contest!
Tom, were you responsible for one of these?
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
a date.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
you rapidly.
LADIES' PRAYER ?:
Now I lay
me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags-
And, please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray-
And, as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young-
And, thank you Dear Lord for all that you’ve done!
E-mail from a college we all know that could vastly improve its Administratium:
A major research institution
recently announced discovery of the heaviest
element ever observed. This new element has been tentatively named
"Administratium."
Administratium contains one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of
312, as a result of unpredictable quantum fluctuations, in a dimension in
which the usual rules of mathematics and logic do not apply.
Those 312 particles are held together by a weak force known as morons,
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Administratium has no electrons and is inert. However, it can be detected as
it impedes most reactions with which it comes in contact. A minute amount of
Administratium causes many reactions to take more than four days to
transpire, which in otherwise normal, unimpeded conditions would typically
take less than one second.
Administratium has a half-life of three years, and does not decay, but
instead undergoes reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, because
each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.
That characteristic of moron-promotion leads scientists to speculate that
Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a specific quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical
Morass
From the folks who gave us the fictitious date with the terrorist who said Halloween would be a disaster?
Seven women have died after inhaling a
free perfume sample that was mailed to them. The product was poisonous. If you
receive free samples in
the mail such as lotions, perfumes, diapers etc. throw them away. The government
is afraid that this might be another terrorist act. They will not announce it on
the news because they do not want to create panic or give the terrorists new
ideas. And which government would that be?
So the news is taken only from "government" sources?
Subject: God's Army
Author Unknown
It was late one Tuesday evening,
Before a mother could sit down,
To tell her only child about
The terror that hit downtown.
She looked into the eyes of her son
God, she loved him so,
She felt her heart begin to break
And the hurt begin to show.
She gathered all her strength and courage,
as her story she began to tell.
"Baby don't cry, but I'm afraid daddy
Might be under a building that fell."
The boy looked back at his mother,
His eyes made not one blink.
And the mother's tears began to fall.
What would her baby think?
You see, his dad is a firefighter,
And his hero from the day of his birth.
He loved his dad more than anything else
That could ever inherit this earth.
The mother's head began to drop,
Her forehead resting on palm.
She thought her son would be upset.
Instead, he was very calm.
The boy leaned over towards his mom,
And put his hand upon her head.
In her ear he began to whisper,
And this is what he said:
"Mommy please don't cry,
I knew daddy wasn't coming home.
I talked to him just a while ago,
But it wasn't on the phone.
He told me that he loved me,
And he promised we'd meet again.
He told of his new home,
And the job he was to begin."
"God is building an army,
And there are many angels needed.
That, is where daddy and the others went.
They weren't all defeated."
It was then, the mother lifted her head.
The tears streamed down her face.
And she could feel her husband's presence,
As it filled her heart with grace.
It was then she knew her son was right.
He was in God's great army now.
She also knew her son was safe,
That he'd be kept from harm somehow.
So, evil-doers of the world beware.
An army is on the way.
Bolstered by new angels,
Who left the towers that day..
Their commander has never been beaten.
His power has never been matched,
And if evil thinks He was almighty before......
Well, the surface has just been scratched!
GOD BLESS AMERICA !!!!!
Yes the background of this page is Silver to commemorate Lou and Mary's 25th.
With my toast ready,
The Best Man
PS Congrats Greg on
getting accepted to Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (RPI). If you go
there and design a new car, please give me gas caps on both sides, and a beeper
that goes off when I go over 75mph. Dad