Best E-mails of the Week 03/02/02

Definitions:

1. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
2. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
3. Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.
4. Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
5. Control: A short, ugly inmate.
6. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
8. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.
10. Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.
11. Misty: How golfers create divots.
12. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
(There are also two legged ones.)
13. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
14. Polarize: What penguins see with. (Bears, too.)
15. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
16. Relief: What trees do each spring.
17. Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.
18. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
19. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
21. Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.

IMPORTANT MESSAGE
Not everyone is trustworthy as you are. Read below!
This is scary!!!! Men, if you open this, please make sure the ladies in your life are informed. This happened in Toronto but it could happen anywhere.
About a month ago there was a woman standing by the mall entrance passing out flyers to all the women going in. The woman had written the flyer herself to tell about an experience she had, so that she might warn other women.
The previous day, this woman had finished shopping, went out to her car and discovered that she had a flat. She got the jack out of the trunk and began to change the flat. A nice looking man dressed in business suit and carrying a briefcase walked up to her and said, "I noticed you're changing a flat tire. Would you like me to take care of it for you?"
The woman was grateful for his offer and accepted his help. They chatted amiably while the man changed the flat, and then put the flat tire and the jack in the trunk, shut it and dusted his hands off. The woman thanked him profusely, and as she was about to get in her car, the man told her that he left his car around on the other side of the
mall, and asked if she would mind giving him a lift to his car. She was a little surprised and she asked him why his car was on other side. He explained that he had seen an old friend in the mall that he hadn't seen for some time and they had a bite to eat and visited for a while; he got turned around in the mall and left through the wrong exit, and now he was running late and is car was clear around on the other side of.....

Anyway, this story goes on and on, and she wisely does not give this stranger a ride, and it turns out he was a pervert kidnapper or something. He had let the air out of the tires earlier, etc. Fortunately, she did not attend school at Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt. I think membership in AAA is only about $25. per year.

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

WINNER OF ICE SCULPTING CONTEST AT WINTER CARNIVAL IN TIMMINS, ONTARIO: ANGEL & FDNY Was the second place entry even close?

Here is a link to 7 pages of Dumb Criminal Stories compiled by Jackie: Dumb Criminal Stories:

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
Dogs(Canares, from the Latin, meaning dogs)
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? Thirty years

What do you mean, you failed!?



Minnesota Rules:
This list of rules will be handed to each person as they enter the state.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
9. If you bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
10. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
(What do you call a guy in an $80,000 car? A rap singer who lives with his parents and just got a $30,000 advance.)
11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
13. Yeah, we eat catfish, Northern, walleye and turtle too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.
14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
15. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.
16. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish. Deal with it!

No this is not a Minnestota Mobile Home! It's a Redneck mobile home.

How do you get a date with a redneck girl? Tell her she has a nice tooth. How can you tell she's a redneck? She has so much hair under her armpit that you think she has Don King in a headlock.

What a great concert at the Hartford Civic Center this week! Mary said afterwards that Neil Young still sounds great. Crosby Stills Nash and Young played MSG this past weekend, then did 3.5 hrs for us in CT on Thursday. They play in Minnesota on 3/12. Check them out at www.CSNY.com

We noticed the civic center had rafter banners for the UConn Lady's Basketball National Champs 1995 and 2000, and Men's in 1999. There was room for the banner the Lady Huskies will receive for 2002, when March Madness begins soon!

Teaching .. My Children Well,

Peter