Best E-mails of the Week 02/23/02
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There,
he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!"
Henry punched Osama on the nose.
James Madison came up next, and said "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common
defense!" He dropped a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have
the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picked him up to hurl him
back toward the gate where he would be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed "this is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you.
What did you think I said?"
A business associate asked me: If a man gets divorced in Tennessee is she still his sister? I replied: I dunno. What did Tennessee? What Arkansaw?
A blind man enters a woman's bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and
orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender: "Hey, wanna hear a blonde
joke?" A deathly silence transcends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says:
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and
I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and
she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister.
You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
One of you on my Best
E-mails recipient list told me this joke in a great Irish accent years ago. Here it is in print.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for 6 months. On top of that, I've been
with a loose woman."
The priest sighs. "Is that you little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
Yes, father, 'tis I."
"And who might be the woman you were with?"
"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
Tommy: "I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"
Tommy: "I'll never tell."
"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"
Tommy: "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"
Tommy: "My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"
Tommy: "Please Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've
sinned and you must atone.
Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Five more good leads!" says Tommy.
New billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two
messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards.
The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.
These are awesome... enjoy.
| Tell the kids I love them. -God |
Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God |
C'mon over and bring the kids. -God |
| What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God |
We need to talk. -God |
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God |
| Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God |
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God |
I love you and you and you and you and... -God |
| Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God |
Follow me. -God |
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God |
| My way is the highway. -God |
Need directions? -God |
You think it's hot here? -God |
| Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God |
Do you have any idea where you're going? -God |
(And my personal favorite...) Don't make me come down there. -God |
I rooted for her Thursday night, and sighed when she fell. Her Gold metal turned Bronze. As the NY Post reported: No Kwan Do!
Pewter J.