Best E-mails of the Week 02/18/02

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.

"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?"
No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you? asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

Diner: "This food is terrible! I want to see the owner of this restaurant!"
Waiter: "Sorry, sir, he's out to lunch."

Here is the J. Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles this past week.

Mary at the entrance to the Museum	The four year old Garden designed by Robert Irwin
Buildings designed by Architect Richard Meier	Mary at the Cafe Restaurant
Irises by Vincent Van Gogh	Southern California in mid February

Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

WATER vs. COKE (but no referenced sources)
Interesting information..........> We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before.
75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world pop.)
In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?
And - now, COKE!!
=================================================
COKE
No wonder coke tastes soooo good: (but no referenced sources)
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, Remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
FYI: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its Ph is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Still Want To Drink Up?????????

>~ Actually Taken From Classified Ads out of Newspapers.

>~ SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
>~ ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
>~ -------------------------------
>~ NORDIC TRACK $300
>~ HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
>~ -------------------------------------
>~ GEORGIA PEACHES
>~ CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
>~ ------------------------------------------
>~ NICE PARACHUTE:
>~ NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
>~ -------------------------------------------
>~ TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
>~ WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND
>~ FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY:
>~ $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
-------------------------------------------

>~ OPEN HOUSE
>~ BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
>~ FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

From Gruman's Chinese Theater,

Batman and me.