Best E-mails of the Week 02/09/02
Nobody answered correctly the question: What was the Best Song of the 20th Century?
Hint: The performer's name was Gale.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine,
but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally, the
principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with
the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who
had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped
it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There
are teachers, and then there are educators.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Ancient Chinese Proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run in back of car get exhausted
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Here are real US military pictures of Taliban in a Russian troop carrier before, during
and after targeting.
Wife 1.0 Just Released
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where
it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and
Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you please
help me !!!???
Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear TROUBLED USER,
This is a very common problem men complain about,
but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by
it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend
7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0
to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go
back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or
Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child
support".
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program
C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read
the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and
problems that might occur,
regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame
for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short
Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating
system.
Best of Luck,
Tech Support
My wife Mary just set a record for attendance at a Ridgefield Parents Teacher Student Association meeting that she ran. She chaired the networking committee that organized the event. Mary introduced the speaker to a Standing Room Only crowd of over 300 at the High School. The topic on Strategies for Paying for College can be seen at www.collegeadvisorsgroup.com
The high school principal later told me it was the most people ever to attend a PTSA meeting. Mary's other program for high school students to "Get your Z's and Eat your Peas" on student sleeping and nutrition habits was also a success.
'til next week then,
Pete