Best E-mails of the Week 1/26/03
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| A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. Practice safe snacks - always use condiments. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Banning the bra was a big flop. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Without geometry, life is pointless. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. |
| Dear Abby: My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just ignore the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a lying cheat. To top it off, he ignores me just because I am cold to him. Abby, I just don't know what to do. Signed, Frustrated Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a Senator from New York State, you don't need him anymore.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. |
The Sunday comic Far Side was funnier when the nurse presented the recovering patient
with a bill for $22,000 because she claimed the doctor left his Rolex watch inside him.
But seriously, this is a real X-ray of a surgical clamp left inside a 59 year old man. (NYTimes 1/21)
Here is a new golf game anyone can play:
http://www.people.fas.harvard.edu/~pyang/flash/miniputt.swf
From January 26 to February 7, World Chess Champion, Garry Kasparov, will challenge the reigning
World Champion computer chess program, Deep Junior.
Follow the games live at http://www.x3dworld.com/
| THINGS THAT WORK: 1) Flies or bees bothering you? Spray them with hairspray and they will take a quick dive. 2) Sealed envelope? Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmmmmmm...) 3) Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to. 4) For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. Wish I had known this for the last 60 years!) 5) Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!). 6) Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel. 7) Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way! 8) Opening brand new jars can be a feat in itself. Well, I have found a way to make it the easiest thing to do. Instead of banging a jar of jam, pickles, etc., with a knife until it loosens up, I simply reach into the drawer and pull out the handy nut cracker. It adjusts to the size of the jar and I simply give it a good twist and off pops the lid! 9) Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! 10) Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak. 11) Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on. Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen. 12) Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning. 13) To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm! 14) To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. 15) Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. 16) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. 17) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. 18) When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. 19) Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. 20) Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 21). To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief. 22) Ants, ants, ants everywhere . Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself. 23) Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine. 24) When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily. 25) Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer: *Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. 26) Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets. 27) Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. 28) Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). 29) Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
Here is the opening joke from our American Society of Civil Engineers meeting last night. There was a convention attended by accountants and engineers. Three accountants and three engineers found themselves on the same train. The accountants had each purchased a ticket, and noticed that the engineers only had one ticket for the three. The accountants watched as the three engineers entered the rest room before the train departed from the station. When the conductor knocked on the door, a single hand emerged with the ticket for him, and then the door closed. After the convention, at the ticket counter, the three accountants purchased a single ticket, but the engineers didn't buy any tickets. As the train pulled out of the station, one of the engineers went up to the rest room where the accountants were hiding, knocked on the door, and said: "Tickets please."
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Petre
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