Best E-mails of the Week 01/25/04.
Boy, you guys sent me a lot of good stuff this week.
Here it is from about a dozen of you.
Recognize your contribution?
Thanks!
For those of you wondering who really caught Saddam Hussein, it seems it was Barney Fife!
Or possibly our real forces shown landing this Chinook helicopter on an Iraqi rooftop.
True story:
LONDON (Jan. 20) - British war leader Winston Churchill's foul-mouthed 104-year old parrot refused to surrender to newshounds Monday after a British newspaper tracked the bird down and discovered it was still alive.
"They've been trying to get him to talk all day, but he's not saying much," said Sylvia Martin, who manages Heathfield Nurseries where parrot Charlie has lived for the last 12 years.
Charlie, who kept Churchill company during World War II, was famous for occasionally squawking four-letter obscenities about Hitler. But Martin told Reuters the bird has mellowed.
This is the cold comparison I recited at Sue and
Manfred's 25th anniversary. Had it appeared in Best emails before? My
memory in red.
When its 60 degrees F: > Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in New England sunbathe.
> 50 degrees F: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. People in New England plant gardens. (Tomatoes)
> 40 degrees F: Italian & English cars won't start. People in New England drive with the windows down.
32 degrees F: Distilled water freezes. The water at Moosehead Lake in Maine starts getting cooler. (Liz tells her boys to put on shirts outside.)
20 degrees F: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in New England throw on a flannel shirt, buttons open.
15 degrees F: New York City landlords finally turn up the heat. People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees F: All the people in Miami die. New Englanders close the windows.
10 degrees below zero: Californians escape en masse to Mexico. Girl Scouts in New England sell cookies door to door.
25 degrees below zero: Las Vegas disintegrates. People in New England rummage around the attic to find some winter coats.
40 degrees below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors. (The Minnesota Boy Scouts cancel the winter survival weekend until it gets a little colder.)
> 100 degrees below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Some New Englanders are frustrated when they can't start their "kahs".
460 degrees below zero (absolute zero on the Kelvin Scale): All atomic motion stops. People in New England start saying . . "Cold 'nuff for ya?" (Vern)
> 500 degrees below zero: Hell freezes over. Red Sox win World Series.
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The picture below begs the question:
??? or ???
That site is cool Jim.
This site is neat too.
It's called Bugging You.
Turn up the sound.
http://img.tapuz.co.il/forums/8572800.swf
Ordering a pizza in 2008:
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd
like to place an order."
Operator: "May I have
your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My
National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-
2366. Your office
number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's
266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm
at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're
wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs)
"Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't
think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya
mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high
cholesterol. Your
National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Darn. What
do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might
try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes
you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you
checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week,
sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right,
all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That
should be p lenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. Your total is
$49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give
you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry
sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is
over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run
over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't
work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never
mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it
take?"
Operator: "We're
running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a
hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but
carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the
heck do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says
here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But
your Harley's paid up.
Customer:
"@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise
watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for
cussing out a cop."
Customer:
(Speechless)
Operator: "Will there
be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I
have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry
sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to
diabetics."
Last week when I showed you the picture of Saint
Anthony's where I teach religion every week,
I was asked more about my students.
I felt the picture below is worth 10,000 words.
Just kiddin
Pete
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