Best E-mails of the Week 1/19/02

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replied, "No."
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "That's really sad," said Bob. "But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied. "They're all at the funeral."

This just in: In an apparent "copycat" act of terrorism, terrorists have hijacked the Goodyear Blimp.
So far they have bounced off five buildings.

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

A woman is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the woman returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds."Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from all that skipping."

LATE NIGHT NEEDED FRESH MATERIAL AFTER CLINTON LEFT OFFICE AND GOT IT FROM BIN LADEN
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 0-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
-- Jay Leno
"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their excessive' lifestyle."
-- David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
-- Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against
capitalism."
-- Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton."
-- Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
-- Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic"
-- Conan O'Brien
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living."
-- Jay Leno
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three."
-- David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
-- Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"
-- Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be Mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box."
-- Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry."
-- Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."
-- Jay Leno
"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace Mullah Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President Bush has learned all their names."
-- Comedian Argus Hamilton
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad."
-- Jay Leno
Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
-- Jay Leno
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges."
-- Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno
"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What, have we got caves over here now, to? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.'"
- Jay Leno
"Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed to a mysterious white powder they had never seen before: The end zone."
- - Jay Leno
"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again."
- Jay Leno
The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full military support. You know what that means: Both tanks."
- Jay Leno
"President Bush's popularity is at 90 percent, the highest popularity ever... if President Bush ran for president today he could actually be elected."
- Jay Leno

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Published from my computer lab,

Pete T. the PE