Best E-mails of the Week 1/10/02


HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck
to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour short, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of
last tetanus jab.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
Toss back another shot.
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree
across them road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid blur of screaming fur.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie the little b--tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash it down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
Wrap it in bacon.


Have you searched your computer for a virus called sulfnbk? I received a few emails about it. I checked my computer and deleted it. Others in my address book did not have it. Then I saw a message it is a hoax, and was told not to delete any windows files. Oh well.
Hi everybody, I got this virus in my computer through someone and
my brother sent me the directions on how to get it out. The problem is since
you're in my address book, chances are you have it too. Please check so no
damage is done to your computer, I didn't know I had it till I got this
note.
Thanks!
Many apologies for this, but I have picked up a virus that is transmitted
automatically via address books. Because I have your address means that
you're likely to have the virus. The virus is not detected by McAfee or
Norton, and lies dormant for 14 days before it then closes down your
entire system! Please act PROMPTLY. This is a virus that is spread from
address book to address book. It is apparently undetectable by Norton and
McAfee. It remains dormant for about 14 days then activates and wipes out
the hard drive data.
The directions for removing it are easy.
1. Go to 'start' -then to 'find or search' (depending on your computer)
2. In the 'search for files or folders' type in sulfnbk.exe -- this is
the virus.
3. In the 'look in' make sure you're searching Drive C.
4. Hit 'search' button (or find)
5. If this file shows up (it's an ugly blackish icon that will have the
name 'sulfnbk.exe') DO NOT OPEN IT
6. Right click on the file - go down to delete and left click.
7. It will ask you if you want to send it to the recycle bin, say yes.
8. Go to your desktop (where all your icons are) and double click on the
recycle bin.
9. Right click on sulfnbk.exe and delete again - or empty the bin. If
you find it, send this email to all in your address book, because that's how
it's transferred.
Once again, many apologies.
Remember, another email said this is a hoax! Don't delete sulnbk unless you are sure about it.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns.

GOD: FRANCIS, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world
is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle, and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, God. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds, and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Supreme Being. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, God, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight: they fertilize grass so it will grow; and when it does grow, they cut it off, and then they pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Creator.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. They use carbon monoxide and release oxygen. In the autumn, their leaves fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, God. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," God. It's a real dumb movie about...

GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from St Francis.


Anyone quitting smoking as a New Year's Resolution?

Photo from Europe of teeth as cigarettes.




KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

(The actual Associated Press headline from earlier in '01)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her
in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up
some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the
back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a
while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed
that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He
asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been
shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from
her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a
wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit
canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that
sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back
of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the
dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out,
but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over
an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes,
Linda is a blonde.

PeterJTJ